Old and New Jokes

Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadnt had to do for better than twenty years.The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed,lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you cant find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied, The condom made of lambs intestine has a more natural feel.I said Not to us city boys.

Last name: _________________

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouses Name_________________________

2nd Spouses Name: _________________

3rd Spouses Name: _________________

Lovers Name: ________________________

2nd Lovers Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: _____

Number that are yours: _____

Mothers Name: ___________________

Fathers Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles that you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:

[_] truck [_] kitchen

[_] bedroom [_] bathroom

[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times youve seen a UFO

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 200-400 miles

[_] over 400 miles

[_] whats a miles?

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank – all of which hed lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called, Young man, dont do that! There is no need to end your life! Im a witch and I can help you! I doubt it, he said sadly, Ive stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which Ill probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

Young man, witches can do anything, she said. Im going to perform a witch miracle. She said, ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and theres another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief, Is this all true? he asked.

Of course, she said, But to keep it true you must do one thing.

Anything! he said, Anything!

You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, Sonny, how old are you?

Im thirty-two, he said.

Tell me something, then, she said. Arent you a little too old to believe in witches?

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
 
Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.
 

 
Man: Is this seat empty?
 
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
 

 
Man: Your body is like a temple.
 
Woman: Sorry there are no services today.
 

 
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
 
Woman: But would you stay there?

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep
it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba
Dabba Doo!

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Una pareja de mediana edad tenía mucho tiempo sin cohabitar y la señora ya estaba urgida, por lo que se le ocurrió un plan para ponerle remedio a la situación: esperaría al marido cuando éste regresara de trabajar, totalmente desnuda. Estaba segura que eso lo animaría. Cuando el marido llegó y la vio bajar las escaleras desnuda, desconcertado pregunta:

Mujer, ¿qué haces encuerada?

Estoy con mi disfraz de Eva para ti.

¡Pues por lo menos le hubieras dado una planchadita!

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.

Where theres a will…I want to be on it.

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember youre unique…Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.