He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, Judith?
Yes, this is Judith. Will you marry me? Of course. Whos speaking?
A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the womans love tunnel.
Oh God! she screams. Help me! Theres a bee up my vagina and its buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!
Lets go says her mate, Ill rush you straight to hospital!
On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
What seems to be the problem? he asks.
Ive got a frigging bee up my vagina screams the woman. Get it out!
I see, says the doctor.Well, theres only one way to extract this bee. Im going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.
The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
Just an inch or two should do it, he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says Hmmm, it doesnt seem to be biting. Ill have to go deeper and slides it in all the way.
Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.
HOLD IT! says the boyfriend, What are you doing?
Change of plans!, shouts the doctor…
Ive decided to drown the little bastard!
Your teeth are so busted that you can kiss your mother and comb her mustache at the same time.
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, Is there a problem,
Officer?
No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think youre going to do with the money?
He thought for a minute and said, Well, I guess Ill go get that
drivers license.
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
Oh, dont pay attention to him – hes a smarty-pants when hes drunk
and stoned.
The guy from the back seat said, I TOLD you guys we wouldnt get
far in a stolen car!
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
voice said, Are we over the border yet?
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Igloo!
Igloo who?
Igloo knew Suzie like I know Suzie…!
A la clase de Jaimito llega la nueva maestra, quien habla en tono ruso:
A ver, niños, para mañana todos de tarea tendrán que saber decir mi nombre adecuadamente, si no, estarán fuera de clases.
Todos los chamitos asustados comentando entre ellos. Con mucho miedo Juancito le pregunta: Maestra ¿cual es su nombre?
Y la maestra con tono ruso les dice Mi nombre es Vragina y lo escribe en el pizarrón
de la clase.
Todos los niños salen del salón de clases asustados, pensando para mañana. Jaimito desde luego comienza a pensar como se va a aprender ese nombre. En eso piensa en algo, se alegra y dice ¡Claro!, es muy fácil es simplemente Vagina con R y ya!.
Sigue caminando feliz, repitiendo una y otra vez Vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r.
Al otro dÃa la maestra manda a levantarse a Juanito: Di mi nombre, Valentina, la maestra
enfurecida: ¡Fuera del salon ingrato!
Rita, di mi nombre Vacenilla ¡NOOOO fuera!
Por supuesto que jaimito sigue pensando vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r.
La maestra dice A ver Jaimito di mi nombre. Mientras jaimito se va levantando sigue repitiendo Vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r…
La maestra insiste Di mi nombre. Entonces jaimito dice ¡CRUCA Maestra!
Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldnt think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
Theyd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
Women would rule the world.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and the other four to stand around and say, Come on, dude… Just one more rep! You can do it! Yeah!