Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!



If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.



If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.



If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.



If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.



If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.



If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.



If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.



If you are phobic, dont press anything.



If you are anal retentive, please hold.

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge
in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

No, head abbot, the first monk said, its too evil for me to admit!

The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you
will not receive absolution! said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. I – I – I drank! And I did
all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I
snorted coffee whitener….

Enough! said the head abbot, enraged. Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbots instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. What did you do last night? demanded
the head abbot.

I cant say! Its much too evil!

The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!

Okay, agreed the second monk. I had all manner of sex. I had sex with
young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora,
my CD player…

Enough! cried the head abbot. That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water.
Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

What, asks the head abbot, did you do this evening?

No, head abbot, its too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!

The agreement, monk! You must tell me!

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. All right, head abbot. Last
night I…I…

Yes?

I pissed in the Holy Water.

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

The
nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement
session.
Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns
with a very serious frown on her face. She began to
speak…..
Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed
here, yesterday."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of mens
underwear."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And it has been used."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"
1 nun: "Oh no!"

99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.

Dont lend people money…it gives them amnesia.

There were 3 men waiting to enter Heaven. Before they were allowed to enter, St. Peter asked each man individually, Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter?

The first man said, Uh, isnt Easter the holiday when all you family Gets together to eat turkey and then you all watch football afterwards?

St. Peter shook his head. No, no, no… thats not what Easter is.

So St. Peter walked over to the second man and asked, Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter?

The second man replied, Easter is that holiday where you set up a tree And decorate it and that man in the funny red suit comes down the chimney and…

St. Peter cut him off. No, no, no, thats not what Easter is either.

St. Peter was feeling very discouraged. Did anybody know what Easter was? He walked over to the third man and asked, Tell me, what is the meaning Of Easter.

The third man answered, Easter is the holiday when Jesus was crucified On the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for Three days, and on the third day…

St. Peter interrupted him, Stop, dont go any further… let me go get These other two men. St. Peter summoned the first two men to come and listen to the third mans definition of Easter.

Okay, start over again and tell these men the meaning of Easter.

The third man started again, Easter is the holiday when Jesus was Crucified on the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for three days,…

Go on, said St. Peter.

And then on the third day, Jesus rose from the tomb, and if he saw his shadow, it was six more weeks of bad weather.

Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?

A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.