Old and New Jokes

Bo Derek getting older.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicap zones.

Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it…

Un granjero decide renovar la sangre de su gallinero y compra un gallo más joven. Cuando el gallo viejo ve que el joven se pasea por el gallinero, comienza a preocuparse.

Entonces se acerca al gallo joven y le dice: De manera que tú eres nuevo por aquí. ¿Crees que eres el más fuerte de la zona? Yo todavía no estoy listo para el cuchillo y para demostrarte que todavía soy más gallo que tú, te reto a una carrera alrededor del gallinero. Daremos 10 vueltas, y el que gane tendrá a todas las gallinas sólo para él.

El gallo joven acepta fanfarroneando: Está bien, y para que veas que soy mucho más fuerte que tú, te doy media vuelta de ventaja y aún así te ganaré fácilmente.

La carrera se inicia y las gallinas se colocan alrededor del gallinero para alentar a los gallos. Luego de la primera vuelta, el gallo viejo comienza a perder su ventaja. Al finalizar la quinta vuelta, el gallo viejo apenas está enfrente del joven.

En ese momento el granjero oye el alboroto y sale de la casa con su escopeta creyendo que un zorro se ha metido al gallinero. Al acercarse, ve a los dos gallos corriendo alrededor del gallinero y ve al gallo joven persiguiendo al viejo.

Entonces, carga su escopeta, apunta… y de un disparo mata al gallo joven. Mientras se devuelve lentamente camino a la casa se dice a sí mismo:

Qué vaina más rara, ¡es el tercer gallo maricón que compro este mes!

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, Who are all those men in the pictures?

The usher replied, Why, those are our boys who died in the service.

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, Was that the morning service or the evening service?

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldnt find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!

Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.

Ive got to get this guy, Al says to himself. He has the perfect arm!

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: Mom, the young man says into the receiver, I just won the Super Bowl!

I dont want to talk to you, the old woman says. You deserted us. Youre no longer my son.

I dont think you understand, mother the young man pleads. I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Im in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.

No, let me tell you, the mother implores. At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….

The old lady pauses, in tears…

…Ill never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!

A mental patient was trying to hammer a nail in but had the nails head against the wall.

Despite obviously not getting very far, he persisted by hitting the sharp end.

Finally in disgust, he swore and threw down the hammer. At that point, another patient said: Silly, that will never work. That nail is meant for the opposite wall…

1. If you eat something,
but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet coke whilst eating a chocolate bar, the calories
in the chocolate bar are cancelled by the diet coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count as long as you
dont eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of
the entertainment package and not part of ones personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off
knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife,
ice cream on a spoon
10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples
are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate
is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The mans first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, thats ok.

The mans next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, thats okay.

The mans last wish is to be beaten half to death!

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two:

What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?.

Man2 says, I guess Id want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family.

Man3 says, Id want them to say things like that too.

Man1 said Really? Id want them to say… LOOK! HES MOVING!.