Old and New Jokes

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her cigarette!

LLega un tontito a la tienda y pregunta:

¿Vende cigarros sueltos?

No, responde el tendero.

El tontito regresa unos dias después y pregunta de nuevo:

¿Vende cigarros sueltos?

No, pero pronto voy a vender.

¡Ah, que bueno!, responde el tontito y se va.

Regresa una semana después:

¿Ya tiene cigarros sueltos?

Sí, ¿cuántos quieres?

Veinte.

The Tearful Bride…



A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, Robert doesnt appreciate what I do for him.



Now, now, her mother comforted, I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.



No, mother, you dont understand.

I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!



Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! says her mom.

Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.



No, mother it wasnt the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?



Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –

Prepare from a frozen state, so I flew to Alaska!

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. None, they all fly away with the first gunshot. The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look mate, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologized and said, I didnt realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied, Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of looming retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies. The other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.



The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, Im one of eighteen kids in my family.



The first fellows eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.



The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. With a big grin he added, My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, Do you want to go to sleep, or what? and my mom would say, What?

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say Wanna .

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldnt resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say How

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said…

ME KNOW HOW…ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we dont have to wait as long to get out coffee.

The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.

Husband replies, I cant believe that, show me.

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says! ………. HEBREWS