Old and New Jokes

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says, Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? Ive got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says, Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasnt any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, You got me out of the shower for that!

There was this man in a mental hospital, all day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor watched this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said he didnt hear anything. The mental patient said that he knew, itd been like that for months.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and functions.

The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The hands said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do!

The members of the Explorers Club gathered at their meeting house one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel. Ferdinand, old boy, shouted Sir Roger, Back so soon from the Peoples Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it.

Sir Ferdinand grimaced. Id rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese.

What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place, asked Sir Thomas. Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?

Theyre called Yetis, these days, Tommie, replied Ferdinand, But, no, I was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the Peoples Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent the further loss of their traditions.

But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being physically attacked!

By brigands? asked Sir Rupert, Temple robbers, prying loose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments in enormous idols?

Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist, Feghoot explained. He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.

Dakinis? all the club members muttered in disbelief.

Yes. It means skywalker, you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical weapon that produces very real physical damage.

No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance, said Sir Edmund, Youre well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate.

Once again, Feghoot demurred. Ill not be sitting down for quite a while, Im afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a purba that can pierce ghostly flesh.

How exciting, whispered Sir Oscar.

No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.

Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I stabbed her with the purba, and she vanished.

Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, PHAT! and she vanished.

Insulted, I should guess, chuckled Sir Bernard.

Well, to make a long story shorter, concluded Sir Ferdinand, There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutive size (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy.

Sir Harold gasped. You mean…

Feghoot nodded. … She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini. (ByAdam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner)

Como saben, en español se puede hablar de la computadora, el computador o el ordenador. Recientemente, un grupo de científicos en computación (todos hombres) anunciaron que debería hablarse de las computadoras y referirse a estos objetos en femenino. Sus razones para esto fueron:

Cinco razones por las que las computadoras pertenecen al género femenino:

1. Nadie, excepto el Creador, entiende su lógica interna;

2. El idioma nativo que utilizan para comunicarse entre ellas es incomprensible a cualquier otro ser;

3. El mensaje Error de comando o nombre de archivo incorrecto es tan informativo como: Si no sabes por qué estoy enojada contigo, entonces no te lo voy a decir.

4. Tus menores errores son almacenados en la memoria a largo plazo, para uso posterior;

5. En cuanto incorporas una a tu vida, te das cuenta que estás gastando la mitad de tu sueldo en accesorios para ella.

Sin embargo, otro grupo de científicos en computación (todas mujeres) piensan que deberíamos referirnos a estos objetos en su forma masculina. Estas son sus razones:

Cinco razones para creer que las computadoras son de género masculino:

1. Contienen un montón de información, pero no tienen ni idea para que sirve;

2. Se supone que te ayudan a resolver problemas, pero la mitad del tiempo son el problema;

3. En cuanto incorporas uno de ellos a tu vida, te das cuenta de que, si hubieras esperado un poquito más, podías haber conseguido un modelo mejor;

4. Para que te presten atención, tienes que encenderlos;

5. Grandes consumos de energía los dejan inútiles por el resto de la noche.

Bobby was in the jacuzzi with three other gays telling them his gay penises joke; suddenly alot of spunk floats to the top, everyone shouts Bobby have you farted again!

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

Q: What is the differance between a blonde and a brunette?

A: A blonde has bigger boobs.

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation…

She: Get off of me, will ya!! He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?

She: No, youre not hurting me, youre annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:

First woman : My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper
boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and
brings it to me.

Second woman : I know

First one : How?

Second one : My dog told me

nsc!daisy!inna