My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.
That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?
Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys tit. Kelly said. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
For those who have been around long enough to remember mainframes …
Several women are in a bar, talking about the veracity of their lovers. One in the party has been silent throughout the conversation.
Sally, your not saying anything. What about your lover, is he as good as these others weve been hearing about?
Well, my boyfriend is an IBM salesman. All he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how great it will be when I finally get it.
Maybe we should update this by changing IBM to MicroSoft (e.g., Office version I.O.U)
SintomatologÃa tÃpica ocasionada por el consumo de cerveza
(GuÃa práctica de reconocimiento y resolución)
SÃntoma: Pies frÃos y húmedos.
Causa: El vaso está siendo agarrado en ángulo incorrecto.
Solución: Gire el vaso hasta que la parte abierta esté hacia arriba.
SÃntoma: Pies calientes y mojados.
Causa: Ud. se ha orinado.
Solución: Vaya a secarse al baño más próximo.
SÃntoma: La pared de enfrente está llena de focos.
Causa: Se ha caÃdo de espaldas al suelo.
Solución: Ubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.
SÃntoma: Su boca está llena de colillas de cigarrillos.
Causa 1: Ud. se cayó de cara al suelo.
Causa 2: Ud. metió la cara en el cenicero.
Solución: Reubique su cuerpo a 90 grados del suelo.
SÃntoma: El suelo está borroso.
Causa: Ud. está mirando a través del fondo de un vaso vacÃo.
Solución: Compre otra cerveza.
SÃntoma: La gente habla produciendo un misterioso eco.
Causa: Tiene la jarra de cerveza en la oreja.
Solución: Deje de hacerse el payaso.
SÃntoma: El escusado es de oro.
Causa: Se está usted orinando en el saxofón.
Solución: Pida disculpas al músico y lárguese.
SÃntoma: Reflejo múltiple de caras en el agua del vaso o sanitario.
Causa: Está intentando vomitar.
Solución: Métase el dedo (en la garganta).
SÃntoma: La sala quedó completamente a oscuras.
Causa: El bar cerró.
Solución: Pregunte al camarero la dirección de su casa.
SÃntoma: El suelo se está moviendo.
Causa: Está siendo cargado o arrastrado.
Solución: Pregunte si le están llevando a otro bar.
SÃntoma: Todo a su alrededor se está moviendo mucho.
Causa: Está en un coche.
Solución: Pida que le lleven a casa.
SÃntoma: El chofer del taxi es un elefante rosado.
Causa: Ud. bebió muchÃsimo.
Solución: Pida al elefante que le lleve al hospital más cercano.
SÃntoma: La discoteca se mueve mucho y la música es muy repetitiva.
Causa: Está en una ambulancia.
Solución: No moverse; posible coma etÃlico.
SÃntoma: Un enorme foco de la discoteca le ciega la vista.
Causa: Está usted en la calle y ya es de dÃa.
Solución: Ir a dormir la mona a su casa.
SÃntoma: No tiene hijos y su mujer tiene 60 años.
Causa: Se equivocó de portal.
Solución: Suba un piso más y vaya a dormir a su casa.
SÃntoma: Su amigo no le hace caso.
Causa: Está hablando con un buzón de correos.
Solución: Busque a su amigo para que le lleve a casa.
A monk joins a abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. Hes concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies. If someone makes a mistake, he points out. It would be impossible to detect. Even worse the error would continue to be made.A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the new monk decides to see if the old guy is alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.Father? the monk whispers.
oh lord jesus, the priest wails. The word is celebrate.
Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliffs edge.
As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, Oh, my God, Clem, were gonna die!
Aw, dont worry about a thing, Clem reassured him, looking below. Theres a stop sign at the bottom.
The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.
Wheres the fire? called the chief.
Aint no fuckin fire, replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, but who the hell wouldve rescued me if Id yelled, Shit! Shit! Shit!?
For your new first name:
Take the first 3 letters of your first name,
add a hyphen -, and
add the first two letters of your last name.
For your new last name:
Take the first 2 letters of your mums maiden name, and
add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.
To determine your Star Wars honorific title:
Take the last 3 letters of your last name, and reverse them,
add the name of the first car you drove,
insert the word of, and
tack on the name of the last medication you took.
Voilá! You now have your Star Wars name!
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. However, he did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? I sure did, responded his friend. He cant swim.
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
One day, a couple was walking along the beach and fighting. Then the man got mad and kicked a bottle. Out of it came a genie. The genie said You each get 1 wish and because the man kicked the bottle, you get to make a second wish, but your wife gets the same thing as you wish for. So the woman made her first wish. I wish that I had 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. POOF!!! she got her money. then the man made his wish. I wish for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. POOF!!! he got his money. Finally, he had to make his wish for the both of them. He didnt really like his wife so he had to make it bad for her. Hmmmm. he thought for a moment then he said. I wish I can have sex with the prettiest woman non-stop for 50 years. POOF!!! He was in a bes, having sex with a lady – and so was his wife
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.