Old and New Jokes

68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Youve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

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You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who youre stuck with. Kirsten, age 10



WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

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Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10



No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6



HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

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Married people usually look happy to talk to other people. Eddie, 6



You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8



WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

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Both dont want no more kids. Lori, age 8



WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

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Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.



On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10



WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

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Id run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9



WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

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When theyre rich. Pam, age 7



The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnt want to mess with that. Curt, age 7



The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Its the right thing to do. Howard, age 8



IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

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Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, 9



Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldnt want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, Id just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing. Kirsten, age 10



HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDNT GET MARRIED?

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There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnt there? Kelvin, age 8



You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now. Roberta, age 7



HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

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Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words to her husband?

A: You feed the kids – Ill feed the fish.

Q: What does NASA stand for?

A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts

A2: Need Another Shuttle Also

Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?

A: They didnt know it was going to blow up.

Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?

A: Ocean Spray – It was their second choice because they couldnt get 7-UP.

Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?

A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, theyll have a rated officer onboard.

Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?

A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space.

The ground control issues commands Rubi! Woof! Press the red button. Woof! Woof!
Moti! Woof! Press the white button. Woof! Woof!
Sardarji! Woof. Stop barking, feed the dogs and dont touch anything!

You might be a rednack if…

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the Dukes of Hazzard episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the Dukes of Hazzard episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

Youve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

Youve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

Youve ever shoplifted Spam.

You dont understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family wont go hungry.

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.

Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You are driving the car you were conceived in.

Youve ever used scissors on food.

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.



So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?

He said, Why,… Yes I am!



So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,

Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the nights Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.



The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.



After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.



Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, I just want to let you all know something. Ive been having an affair with my secretary for months. I dont like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, cos Ive just won a shit-load of money, and Im leaving!



End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

Yo mama so bald she makes Mr. Clean look hairy!

[Ed: From a book called Anguished English, by Richard Lederer. Reproduced
with his permission, so long as you run out and buy his book!]