Old and New Jokes

Why Did Snoop Dogg Carry an Umbrella????

Fo Drizzal

This guy was walking in town and he walks by a sign that said Climb The Ladder To Success, Only $2.

So he said I will do it.

So, he climbs the ladder and part way up he sees a hot girl and says Maybe they will get hotter as I get further.

So he climbs higher and he sees a hotter girl and says the same thing.

He sees another hot girl and says I will go higher.

So he goes higher and he sees a big fat hairy biker and the biker says Hi, Im Sess.

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.

9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.

8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.

7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.

6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.

4. If youre getting serious, consider a set of his n her system unit keys.

3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.

2. Never type on your dates laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.

1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, Yeah, whatever.

…I got a Its for you loser wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like Get the phone, my nails arent dry.

…three people began helping me write a desk manual for my job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying Who ??? to anyone calling on me.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

>Apasionada y hondamente la quiero a Ud. jo-

ven y hermosa y como es natural yo deseo proce-

>der con prontitud y eficacia, al fin de pre-

sentarla luego en el altar de la iglesia y no enga-

>ñarla vilmente, pues pienso que usted es la más pu-

ra y mujer inimitable de la mujer buena y cas-

>ta que pudo haber existido.

>Asímismo, deseo depositar en usted el se-

creto de mi alma, e impedir que mis venas se que-

>men con ardiente pasión, y después de haber for-

malizado nuestras relaciones y haber comu-

>nicado a su mamá y hermanas quedará mi ver-

dadera pasión correspondida, a fin de que la ha-

>ga feliz con tanta pasión.

>La verdad le digo, que el más afortunado cu-

pido mirándonos dichoso con tan ardiente anhe-

>lo envidiaría nuestra dicha; créame que co-

nocer la felicidad matrimonial que desea toda mu-

>jer, es lo más importante en la vida.

Su enamorado.

(Ahora lee sólo los párrafos marcados con >)

A mans daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head proppped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.



I guess you were expecting me, he said. No, who are you? said the father. the minister told him his name and then remarked, I see the empty chair; I figured you knew i was going to show up. Oh yea, the chair, said the bed ridden man. Would you mind closing the door? Puzzled, the minister shut the door.



I have never told anyone this not even my daughter, said the man, but all of my life i have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer, the old man continuted, until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest.



Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. Its not spooky, because he promised, Ill be with you always. Then just speak to him in the same way youre doing with me. right now. So, I tried it and Ive liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. Im careful though, if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, shed either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.



The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church. Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her Daddy had died that afternoon. Did he die in peace? he asked.



Yes, and when i left the house about two oclock, he called me over to his bedside and told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When i got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently just before daddy died he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?



The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, I wish we could all go like that.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santas elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

Im just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

To walk up and down a mall. occasionally resting to make a purchase