Old and New Jokes

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:

Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earths gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked Hazardous Nuclear Waste?

2. How to fund private space concerns:

This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for
auction. I know Id like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some
heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would
as well. Then, just send the money into space.

3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:

Make network TV illegal. Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldnt
have a severe impact in most areas. Give half the bandwidth to the ham
radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio
network for carrying the alt groups.

4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:

Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the
outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs. This will have
the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating
extra revenue for the power companies. Enough ozone will be generated to
surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV
radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night
under the bright arc lamps. But since only muggers and rapists go out at
night in big cities, its okay. This will reduce the crime problem as
well.

5. How to fix the drug problem:

Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA.
Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly
disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone. The alternative
of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be
free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.

6. How to fix the mideast crisis:

Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic.
This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews
and Arabs. If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be
employed. Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have
a nice cup of tea together. The side effect is that this might cause the
area to become like Northern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.

7. How to fix the crisis in education:

Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on
standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can
do better. Also, all standardized tests should be in English so that we
can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese. Colleges
should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which
dont require the students to think very hard, so that we can have more
college graduates. A college degree is a right, not a privilege.

8. How to fix the space shuttle:

Let Petes Auto Repair take it over. Pete can find the tiniest leaks in
seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel. I swear that
if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.

9. On the issue of Lithuanian separatism:

Annex Lithuania as a part of the United States, and in exchange give
Alabama to the Soviet Union. This will make the Lithuanians happy to be
in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama
to go with their Georgia, and the United States happy because they will get
a foreign market for hog jowls.

10. Disarmament:

Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they wont
need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore. The missiles can be
used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus
to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and
Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them. Since you can only
use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and
become obsolete. Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the
savings and loan bailout.

I hope these answers to pressing political questions have been helpful.
–scott

Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.s?

A. Drool.

Un tipo se preciaba de cuidar su cuerpo; levantaba pesas y trotaba seis millas diarias. Una mañana, al estar admirando su cuerpo frente al espejo, notó que había cogido un bonito bronceado por todo su cuerpo, menos en el pene, y decidió hacer algo por remediarlo. Fue a la playa, se desnudó, se enterró completamente en la arena, exceptuando el miembro, para que pudiera broncearse con el sol.

Un rato más tarde, pasan dos señoras mayores, una de ellas se apoyaba en un bastón para caminar mejor. De pronto, ven eso emergiendo de la arena y la del bastón empieza a tocarlo con el mismo. Entonces dice a su amiga:

¡Realmente el mundo no es justo!

¿Qué quieres decir?, inquiere la amiga.

Cuando tenía 20 años, estaba curiosa por verlo; cuando tenía 30 años, lo disfruté; cuando tenía 40, lo pedí; cuando tenía 50, pagué por él; cuando tenía 60, rogué por él; cuando tuve 70, se me olvidó que existía; y, ahora que tengo 80, esas cosas crecen silvestres y… ¡Ya no me puedo agachar!

A blonde just bought a new $80,000 sports car. She was driving it for the first time when a very large truck driver motions for her to pull over.

A little afraid, she does as shes told. The truck driver draws a white circle with chalk and tells the blonde to get out of her car and stand in the circle and dont move.

She does as shes told, and the truck driver gets out a knife and starts cutting her leather seats.

She starts laughing. The truck driver asks, Why are you laughing?

She just kept laughing, so the truck driver starts pouring gas all over her seats.

The blonde starts cracking up, and he asks, Why are you laughing?

She just kept laughing,so the truck driver pulled out his knife again and pops all her tires, she starts laughing histarically. He asks, Why are you laughing? She answers, Well, when you werent looking I stepped out of the circle three times…

After several years of marriage, Debbies husband, Mike, died
suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and
placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink
coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room,
removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mikes ashes into
a small dish on the coffee table.

Mike, my beloved Mike, she began, I wish to talk to you. Mike,
do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well,
here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

And, Mike, she continued, do you remember, for several years
you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike.
Do you like it?

Well, Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mikes ashes into the air,
theres that blow job I was promising you.

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.

He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady: There aint no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked What do you mean by that?

Well, she said, when I was 20 I was curious about it,

when I was 30 I enjoyed it.

When I was 40 I asked for it.

When I was 50 I paid for it.

When I was 60 I prayed for it.

When I was 70 I forgot about it.

And now that Im 80 the damn things are growing wild and Im too old too squat.

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

A: Shut the door, Im dressing!

Whats the advantage of being married to a blonde?

You can park in handicapped zones.