Old and New Jokes

Yo momma so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out.

Saddams wife is upset at her husbands funeral. You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit.

The mortician says Well take care of it, maam, then turns and yells into the back room, Hey Ammar, switch the heads on two and four!

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers God Save The Queen and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers Viva La France and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

What is black, blue and brown? A blonde who has told too many blonde jokes.

Esta Juan acompañando a su mamá a punto de morir en el hospital y este le dice:

!Mamá mamá antes de morir dime por favor quien es mi padre!

Hijo mio… agoniza su madre.

¡Por favor te lo suplico dímelo!

Hijo mío… prooo…

¡Qué! ¡Dímelo! ¡Dímelo!

Proo… bee…

¡Qué! ¡Probeta! ¡No puede ser! ¡Increíble, soy hijo de una probeta! ¡Soy hijo de la ciencia! ¡Gracias má…!

¡No huevón, probé tantos picos que ya no me acuerdo!

A fellow wanted to learn how to duck hunt but could not find anybody who would take him out to learn how so he st a rted to hunt by himself. He felt frusterated after five days hunting without getting the first feather much less a shot.So he goes back to the boat launch to go home and sees a fellow coming in with the front of his boat full of ducks and thinks to himself damn I think ill go over and ask him if he needs a hand and maybe ill learn a secret or two, So he says to the hunter with a bag over his head Sir can I help you with loadind up your boat and the man with the bag on his head said sure. So did you have any luck today? The new hunter said he hadnt shot at a duck in five days and the man said do you want me to take you out so you can get your limit? the new hunter said sure Id love to maybe you can teach me a thing or two, on the way out the hunter ask why the man still had the bag on his head and he said ill show you in a minute. They threw out some decoys and the man said are you ready ? now watch close and he began to blow his caller and the ducks were all over the place then all of a sudden he pulled the bag off and ducks were falling out of the sky everywere, and the new hunter started screaming for the man to put the bag back on for he was one ugly dude and looked bad bad.They picked up all the ducks and on the way in the new hunter said thank you and that he was sorry, and the man said sorry for what? and the new hunter said for hurting your feelings when I yeld for you to put the bag back on,He said hell son dont be I know Im ugly my wife is ugly my kids are ugly were one big ugly family. The new hunter said sooo does your wife like to duck hunt with you? and the man said oh she loves to duck hunt. then the new hunter said well do you bring her out much? The man with the mask said ohhh nooo she bust them up to bad…

Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, Where did you
get such a great bike?

The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The first engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; The clothes probably
wouldnt have fit.

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and
a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas
insurance agent.

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable
you had never felt better in your life?

Farmer: Thats right.

Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my clients auto hit your wagon?

Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who
had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog,
who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I
just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say Ive never felt better in my life.

Q: Why doesnt Mexico have an olympic team?

A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St.Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out? God asked. Im very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. Theres drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it – a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. Im afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.



Hmmm, God said thoughtfully, Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?



I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity. replied St. Peter.



That is an effective solution, God stated, but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who = refrain from it. Lets send a letter thats personally signed by me to each one of these good people. And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?



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No? (scroll down a little more)



























Hmmm…You didnt get the letter either, huh?