Old and New Jokes

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. Your holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match. The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

Not to worry, said the Cardinal, well call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. Well make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We cant lose! Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. I came in second, your Holiness, said Nicklaus.

Second?!! exclaimed the surprised Pope. You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!

No, said Nicklaus, second to Rabbi Woods.

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.

Blonde, Im on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

Psychiatrist, Dont you have a phone in your car?

Blonde, That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

Psychiatrist, Uh … Hows that working?

Blonde, Actually, I havent gotten any letters yet.

Psychiatrist, And why do you think that is?

Blonde, I figured its because when Im driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)
Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)
Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable! It actually worked.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)
All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)
Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)
E-mail me (or fax me) the data.
(Im too lazy to write it down.)

Llega don Pepe a su casa y se encuentra a Pepito en la sala:

¿Qué haces, hijo?

Estoy jugando.

¿Con qué juegas?

Con lo que me sale de mis huevos.

¡Eres un mocoso malcriado, majadero, hijo de la chin…! (Y, por supuesto, le pone una buena golpiza).

Un rato después, va Pepito sangrando y lleno de moretones a suplicarle a su mamá:

¡Mamita, ya no quiero que me compres de los huevos Kinder Sorpresa!

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.



After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Your daddy is so bald that when he puts on a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

Nobody notices the big errors.

Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the Madame. As its the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesnt know a word of English. Ill take her, He says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack the girl begins to shout out, Sung wa! Sung wa! To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.

The following day he is at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client Ts off and gets a hole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase… Sung wa! Sung wa! He yells out. To
which the client replies, Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.