Old and New Jokes

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, Im fantastic in bed. Thats Direct Marketing.

Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, Hes fantastic in bed. Thats Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, Im fantastic in bed. Thats Telemarketing.

Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, By the way, Im fantastic in bed. Thats Public Relations.

Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear youre fantastic in bed. Thats Brand Recognition.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.


…. with Beer

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.

No, says the tourist, I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. Hes had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.

He is a decorated war hero. Hes a vegetarian, doesnt smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first … no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

(Scroll down)

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
Heckle the professor.
Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have
to tape the lecture for a friend.
Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his
chalk to take notes.
Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific
proof.
If its a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls
on you, point to someone in the next row and say He knows. Pick a different
person each time.
Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with
your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that
the doll will be taking notes for you.
Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
Write a love note. Sign it a secret admirer. Get someone to pass it to the
professor.
Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change
clothes every time.
While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say
you have Tourettes syndrome.
Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say They were
out of apples.
Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes
on both.
If its an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to
Shakespeares Midsummer Nights Dream.
Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake
up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize
what he/she talked about.
Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.
Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didnt have
time to eat breakfast.
Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for
the school play, and you didnt have time to change out of it.
Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them.
Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a
token of your esteem.
Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professors desk.
Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime
during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has
angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the
tape starts playing.
Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.
Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may
have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room
screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.
Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the
lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely
opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the
students should have a wide range of knowledge.
Switch the professors lecture notes with your history notes from last term.
Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright
flash. If anyone complains, say that you didnt see any sign saying you couldnt
bring cameras.
Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a
question.
Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the
lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.
Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the
person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor
sneezes.
When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, Hey! A substitute! All
right! Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.
Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a
copycat.
If its a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folgers
Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.
Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
Write your assignment on Plato on your little sisters modeling clay.
Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesnt know. Act
angry when he/she doesnt understand you.
Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the
wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesnt believe you.
When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, NOOOOOO! Not him! Not
professor Johnson! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo! then run out of them
room. See how many people follow you.
Turn your row into a mosh pit.
Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you
would normally.
Two words: American Gladiators.
Make requests like people do at rock concerts. (Relativity! Relativity!
Einstein rocks!)
Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained
animal shows arent what they used to be.
Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.
When the professor calls on you, mumble inconprehensibly. Answer every
question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops
calling on you.
When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make
sure no one cheats off your paper.
Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?.

Then the second Snake says Why do you ask?

The 1st one replies: I just bit my lip!

Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the street?

Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did her hair.

Un día un Sacerdote decidió irse a cortar el pelo. Cuando llegó el momento de pagar, el sacerdote le dice al peluquero: ¿cuánto le debo?

Nada, tómelo como un favor a la Iglesia.

Al día siguiente en la puerta de la peluquería aparecieron 12 rosarios, y una nota de agradecimiento.

Al día siguiente llega un policía a cortarse el pelo y al pagar le pregunta al peluquero: ¿cuánto va a ser?

Nada, tómelo como un favor a la justicia.

Al día siguiente aparecieron en la puerta 12 rosquillas y una nota de agradecimiento.

Otro día, llegó un senador a cortarse el pelo y cuando iba a pagar dice: ¿cuánto es?

Nada, tómelo como un favor al país.

Y a la mañana siguiente aparecieron 12 senadores esperando a que abriera el peluquero.