Old and New Jokes

A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a couselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: Hes always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.

The marraige couselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fuck up.

If it smells like tuna, you should of been there soona. If it smells like trout, you best get the fuck out.

If it smells like bass, youd best stick it in the ass. If it smells like grouper, youd best put it in her pooper. If it smells like shark, youd best get her in the dark.

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

This temple is 1503 years old, replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

Easy, replies the guide, the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago

Q: Why dont blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they cant fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Yo mamas so fat, she walked in the donut shop and they all shouted, “Theres those missing jelly rolls!”

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,
Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up
of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note…)
Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal
products,
Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
Four hours of recorded whale songs,
Three deconstructionist poets,
Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Major bug with VB-TP during compilation

REDMOND, WA (APR. 30) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced today that if you thought about the program at all before creating the EXE file, it would fail.

Instead you need to carefully think of only the file name and the concept of compilation in order to get it to compile correctly. It seems that the design mode environment does not clean up after all the stray thoughts.

MS technical support is recommending taking a cold shower during file compilation in order to remain distracted enough for it to work correctly. As an interim bug fix, all VB packages are currently being shipped with a towel.

Reports of users getting severe migraines when double-clicking too often with the MindMouse are unconfirmed. As an interim bug fix, all MindMouse double-clicks should be performed with Metallica playing in the background.

Aluminum foil around the head seems to work, but it doesnt look too attractive. It also adds a whole new meaning to Metallica; but prevents the low-level radiation from the users Walkman from interfering with the synapse-Windows interface.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Un día una mujer fue a comprar una cotorra y muy contenta se la llevó a su casa, luego surgió una emergencia y tuvo que ir con la cotorra a una tienda de mascotas, pero la cotorra se quedó en el carro…

En eso la cotorra encendió la radio y la primera canción fue: En la playa está, en la playa está…, la siguiente cancion fue: El año que viene, el año que vieneee…, después vino: Acompáñame, acompáñame… y la otra fue: Igual que tu, igual que tuuuuuuu.

Entonces vino un policía y se acercó a la cotorra y le dijo: ¿Dónde está tu dueño? y la cotorra, acordándose de las canciones le contestó: En la playa está, en la playa está.

¿Y cuando regresa?

El año que viene, el año que vieneeeee.

¡Ay cotorra vete pal infierno!

Acompáñame, acompáñame…

Y el policía dice: ¡Cotorra estúpida, metiche!

A lo que la cotorra le contesta: ¡Igual que tu, igual que tu!

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

The judge looked amazedly at the couple in front of him. Youre 97, he
gasped, Your wife is 95, and youve been married for almost 75 years.
Why, at this stage of your lives, have you decided that you want a divorce?

That woman has driven me crazy long enough, your honor. I only married
her in the first place because I had to, and I cant stand it another day.

Then why have you waited this long?

Well, we knew how a divorce would hurt our kids, so we waited until they
died.