Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him!

A man goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesnt eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. Good God, Dear, he proclaims, Ive just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing mens
sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

Directra: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they
got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

Projectra: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.

Complimentra: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

Buyagra: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

Nega-Viagra: Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on former U.S. presidents.

Nega-Sportagra: This drug had the strange effect of making men want
to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.

Flatulagra: This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for
long car rides.

Flyagra: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

Pryagra: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of
other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects
into special prosecutors.

Liagra: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand
Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands."Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.""In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

You might be a redneck if…
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

Where do lady ghosts go for haircuts?

The Boo-ty Parlor!

Clinton: I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade.
Reporter: Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!

Responding to a woman who accidentally walked into a mens toilet:

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the toilet, start to piss, and then just start spinning around just so I make sure I hit something.
You see something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a toilet stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. Im telling you those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married for 28 years, my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. Im required to sit down and piss. She has me convinced that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a piss-soaked seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now theres another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but since you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding.

Its the dreaded morning wood. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to piss and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend and if it wont bend you cant aim. Well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and the damn fuzzy toilet seat cover that you women insist on putting on the toilet.

So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youre newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with the damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your willie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, Look, it wont bend.
She said, So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.

OK, I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well, its very hard to get it bent under the seat and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the seat, when you start to pee it shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split-second precision, but its the only sure way to get all the piss in the bowl during the first morning session.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault; its Mother Nature. Now if it were Father Nature, there wouldnt have been a problem.

Un feligrés va a confesarse:

Padre, debo confesarle que me gusta decir charadas.

¿Y qué son charadas, hijo?, pregunta el sacerdote.

Verá, si usted me pregunta qué es una charada, yo le digo: en el culo le pongo una puntada.

Más respeto al señor cura.

Sí, pero en el culo le pongo una costura.

Ya enojado, el sacerdote le grita:

¡Queda usted excomulgado!

Bien, pero le queda el culo remendado.