Old and New Jokes

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that cant stand 1 bit of
competition.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

A business man from France checks into a High class hotel. He checks into his room and ready to nap when he heard a nock on the door.

(knock knock)

Man: Who iz it!

Maid: The maid sir. would you care for fresh sheets on your bed.

Man: Go away!! I dont carez for any fresh shit on my bed.

Confused, the maid leaves the sheets outside his door. Later that evening the French man decides to go down to the hotel restraunt and have dinner.

Before ordering the waiter asks: Sir, can I interest you in a glass of wine and a clean fork on your table.

Man: Excuzzze me! But I dont care to have a clean fuck on the table. I shall dine elseware.

So he exits the restraunt, and proceeds to dine across the street. While walking. A bum approaches and ask him for a dollar. The french man pulls out a dollar. Thinking this is an American tradition in this country.

The bum replys: Thank you sir. (holds up two fingers) Peace to you man!!

Man: Oh Ya! Well piss on you too hippie!!!

One sardu was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told:I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave. The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat.But sardarji was adament and did not leave.Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt.He also came and requested,but in vain.Finally the Captain came.He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji,and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.

Astonished,the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt afterwards what he told to the sardarji.Capt. told :nothing.Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh.All others will go to Jalandhar.

THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Una mujer quería comprar un auto usado, así que entró a MercadoLibre y buscó en la sección de autos. En una de las subastas leyó:

Mercedes Benz nuevo, azul, totalmente equipado. Se vende por 1000 pesos.

La mujer estaba realmente sorprendida por el increíble precio así que puso su oferta en la subasta y ganó. Después de contactar a la vendedora del auto, se puso de acuerdo con ella para ver al auto y, para su sorpesa, vio que era un Mercedes en perfectas condiciones. La mujer le preguntó a la vendedora:

Oiga, ¿cuál es el truco? ¿Por qué vende este auto tan barato?

Bueno, es el auto de mi marido. Recientemente salió de viaje con su joven secretaria. La semana pasada recibí un telegrama de él que decía: Estoy en Miami. Necesito dinero. Vende auto.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

What are you doing?, asked the Mom.

Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

What the hell are you doing?, he asked.

His daughter replied, I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as Ill ever get to a husband.

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

For Chrissakes, what are you doing? she cried.

The husband replied What does it look like Im doing? Im having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!

One time on Saturday Night Live, Dennis Miller made mention of a new movie
coming out called Crocodile Gandhi. In a similar vein, Not Necessarily The
News (on HBO) once had a teaser for Superman III, Psycho II. My friends
and I here at UNC have come up with some sequels of our own, titles that
combine the titles of already existing movies. See what you think, and please
email us if you come up with some yourself! The list is always growing…

Dirty Dances With Wolves
What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
Pee-Wees Big Adventures In Babysitting
Marathon Rain Man
When Dirty Harry Met Sally…
Nightmare On Wall Street
Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
License To Kill A Mockingbird
The Year Of Johnny Dangerously
Young Naked Guns
The Elephant Man With Two Brains
Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
Three Men And Rosemarys Baby
Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
2001 Dalmatians
Smokey And The Time Bandits
The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
Terminators Of Endearment

…and our favorite…

Godzilla Must Be Crazy!

Hope to hear from everyone!

Dan, Al, and Kev @ UNC

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!

Debido a que el marido estaba en la cárcel, una señora atravesaba penurias; como no la dejaban ver a su esposo le mandó una carta con el guardia. El mensaje tenía escrito lo siguiente:

P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P.

El esposo le responde:

C. C. C. C. C. C.

El vigilante, intrigado, le pregunta a la mujer por el significado de las cartas. Ella le informa que escribió:

Paso Pobrezas Pinches Penurias Pido Permiso Para Putear.

Y él respondió:

Cuida Culito Cobra Carito Cariños Charlie.