A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?
Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.
Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.
Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.
As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
the plan:
– First Ill climb up there with the ladder;
– Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;
– As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;
– When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;
– Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?
Well… explains the experienced gorilla retriever, Its just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,
Shoot the dog…
Out of my mind… Back in five minutes.
With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor", Alabamans have made their own version. Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "Im gay, Im a yankee, and Im here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.
It was so cold last week I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !
These are real examples from real resumes. (DONT let this happen to YOU!)
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldnt work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
Im a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Dios llama a Adán y le dice:
Hijo, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.
La buena primero, contesta Adán.
Dios responde: Te voy a hacer dos regalos: un cerebro y un pene.
¡Fantástico!… ¿y la mala?
Es que no tienes suficiente sangre como para hacer funcionar los dos al mismo tiempo.
Un cavernÃcola hijo llega a la cueva, le da las calificaciones al cavernÃcola padre que las lee detenidamente y al rato dice:
Mira, que repruebes caza, lo comprendo, porque eres pequeño y todavÃa no puedes con la lanza. Que repruebes agricultura te lo paso, porque es un rollo y al principio cuesta trabajo agarrarle la onda. Que repruebes pintura rupestre te lo perdono porque todavÃa eres pequeño y no coordinas, pero que REPRUEBES HISTORIA, ¡NO LA AMUELES, SI APENAS LLEVAMOS DOS PÃGINAS!
Home on the Web —————– (to the tune of Home on the Range)
VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right — one that doesnt take too long to load — where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen — one that offers a no-Java mode.
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me — Im still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I cant read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, Ive found, so please put in some alt tags for me!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me — Im still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Please dont ask me to chat with your favorite cat; I dont have an IRC code. And dont ask me to buy games for Win 95 — My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me — Im still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
Two people jump off a building who hits the ground first the blonde or the brunett?
The burnett because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions on the way down.