Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Morrison!
Morrison who?
Morrison, the more sun tan!

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man but I dont think he can live with my problems. So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.



If I take them out of the car I lose them, she reasoned.



Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car? the husband countered.



Oh thats okay, the wife chirped happily, I keep a spare key in the glove box!

Hellers Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Kidding yourself into believing that you still have plenty of time to finish holiday shopping. Advanced cases can be seen scurrying down toystore aisles at Midnight.

Usage: I was so gripped with holidelusion that I actually believed my son would like the Mini-Mom Kid Kitchen more than the Cosmic Force Commando Action Set he asked for.

Shes so blonde she spent an hour looking at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

Yes, he said. I do. My father taught me.

Good. What comes after three.

Four, answers the boy.

What comes after six?

Seven.

Very good, says the teacher. Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

A jack, says the kid.

Yo mamma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says…. to be continued

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see Closed for the Winter.