Old and New Jokes

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the
magic in the stick.

3 guyz get captured by canibals and the canibals took the 3 guyz 2 the king canibal deep within a forest. The king canibal says,we will not eat you guyz on one condition, if each of you can get 10 of the same fruits and stick them up your butt hole without making any facial expression, we will let you live. So the 3 guyz went out into the forest to find fruits. The first guy came back with 10 apples and came back to the king. He started sticking the apples up his but, 1, 2, 3, one pops out and he yelled,ouch!! So they ate him and he died. The second guy came back with grapes, he started sticking them up his butt, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9….. he laughed. so he got eaten and died. The 2 guyz met in heaven and the first guy says,hey u almost had it why did u laugh? The second guy says, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, because i saw the second guy coming with pinapples!!!!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If its the flu, youll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause youre fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?

Q: Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the babys mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up …

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again.

After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, I bet youre a dentist.

Surprised he replies, Thats correct. How did you know?

You keep washing your hands, so I figure youre used to it …

They go on and have sex and then afterward she says, You know what? Im willing to bet youre a very good dentist.

Oh? How can you tell? he asks.

Well, I didnt feel a thing …

Unos viejitos después de pasar una noche placentera se reúnen en el comedor y el viejito le dice: viejita, viejita… Te cuento que anoche sucedió un milagro.

La viejta responde, ¿Qué milagro?

Ayer en la madrugada me desperté, fui al baño y se prendió la luz, hice mis necesidades, salí del baño, cerré la puerta y se apagó la luz. Más tarde regresé al baño, abrí la puerta y se prendió la luz, hice mis necesidades, cerré la puerta y se apagó la luz…

La viejita le responde, Fuera, viejo cojudo. Otra vez te cagaste en el refrigerador.

Okay, this is an actual episode of the Newlywed Game.

The question was What is your husbands favorite South American country?

The first wife answered Brazil.

The second wife was a bit puzzled as to what the term South American
meant. She answered New Mexico. The MC explained to her that that
was a U.S. state, not a South American country. still confused as to
what this strange adjective South American meant, she answered Mexico.
The third wife was sure of her answer. She wasnt as confused as wife number
two and showed it. when it came time to give her answer, she answered very
confidently I know what my husbands favorite South American country is:
its Africa! The MC allowed it.

The fourth wife answered Mexico as well. One out of four aint bad.

The only husband to give the same answer as his wife was the fourth,
who answered Mexico.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three – which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog, Measure, was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union Member and said What can your dog do?

The Teamster member called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, Show the fellows what you can do.

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookes, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmans Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring Run….Run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, He doesnt have to run, hes got four balls.

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, I want a quickie.

She slaps his face and says, Now would you please give me your order?

Again, he says, I want a quickie.

She slaps him again and says, Ill give you one last chance – what do you want?

Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, I think its pronounced quiche.

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.

Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!

The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. There!, he said and vanished.

All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.

The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.

One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.

The king looked about him. Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?, he said.

I will, sir!, said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.

The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldnt! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!

Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdoms wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.

How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldnt get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?

The boy looked up at the king and replied, Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.