Old and New Jokes

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasnt much of an accomplishment.

Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time. When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great.

Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2a.m., the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
was closed.

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:

Jack, what happened to you?!?

It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldnt like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!

Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?

Naw…After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack — so I tried to poke it back in.

My friend was telling me about friendship and sharing… he said…
You know, If I had two dollars, Id give you one.

If I had two beers, Id give you one.

If I had two cookies, Id give you one.

But if I had two girlfriends, Id give you another dollar.

Things you dont want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?

Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again…

Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasnt in for a sex change…!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Dont worry; I think its sharp enough.

What do you mean You want a divorce!

Shes gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.’

Un profesor de matemáticas quiere hacerles un chiste malo a sus alumnos:

Chicos, aquí les va un problema: un avión sale de Amsterdam con una velocidad de 400 Km/h; la presión es de 1.004,5 hectopascales; la humedad relativa es del 66% y la temperatura es de 20,4 grados centígrados. La tripulación está compuesta por cinco personas; la capacidad para los pasajeros es de 45 asientos; el baño está ocupado y hay cinco azafatas (pero una está en huelga). La pregunta es: ¿cuántos años tengo?

Los pequeños se miran asombrados. El silencio podía cortarse con un cuchillo. Entonces Pepito, desde el fondo del salón y sin levantar la mano, dice de pronto:

44 años, profesor.

El profe, muy sorprendido, lo mira y exclama:

Es cierto, tengo 44 años, pero ¿cómo adivinaste?

Lo que pasa es que tengo un primo de 22 años que es medio huevón (estúpido).

Se organizó un concurso de jaripeo internacional con los caballos más salvajes del mundo. El primer participante fue el ex-campeón mundial, de Houston, Texas. Cuando soltaron a la bestia e iniciaron el cronometraje del tiempo que permanecería montado, ni bien pasaron dos segundos, cuando el animal ya lo había arrojado por los aires.

El segundo participante fue un turco de inmenso tamaño, quien solamente resistió un segundo montado sobre el animal.

Luego de varios participantes que caían del caballo en menos de un segundo, le llegó el turno al actual campeón, originario de Montana, Estados Unidos. Su tiempo apenas rebasó los dos segundos.

Cuando estaban a punto de premiarlo por su victoria, desde el público un anciano indicó que era su turno de montar a la bestia. Los organizadores trataron de disuadirlo, pero el viejo se montó en el salvaje animal. Todos los presentes aseguraban que el octogenario caería muerto… Pero, para sorpresa de todos, el abuelo logró mantenerse encima del caballo cerca de dos minutos, hasta que el animal se cansó.

Todos los reporteros que cubrían el evento se acercaron a preguntarle cómo lo había logrado. Mientras recibía su premio en efectivo, el anciano respondió:

La respuesta es sencilla, hijos míos, llevo casado cincuenta años con la misma mujer y todo este tiempo, hasta en los momentos más íntimos, ella ha sufrido ataques epilépticos.

What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track?

The Indy 500.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around, does he become
disoriented?