Old and New Jokes

Excerpts from:

NutWorks
Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue023, (Volume VI, Number III). May, 1988.

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>

The AI Notebook
===============
by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>

More Triumphs in Artificial Intelligence
by Charles Cabbage

I related once how I managed to investigate the fundamental question How
many beans make five? by building intelligence into a tin of beans and
then asking it. But progress did not stop there.

A.I. people talk of the Fifth Generation–intelligent machines
that will be able to reason for themselves, leaving Mans mind free to
relax and listen to Bach without having to worry about things like Mathematics, The Weather Forecast and Why the Drinks Machine is Always Broken.

However most A.I. programs are in fact very stupid. If you ask them to
count sheep, 50% will produce an integer overflow in less than a minute,
25% of them will fall asleep, and 25% will involve themselves so deeply
on the problem that they will begin to think that they themselves are
sheep, and print the message BAA. Clearly modern A.I. research is proceeding on the wrong lines.

Being totally unprejudiced in these matters, I tried two new
approaches.

The first was to develop a program that would infallibly give irrelevant answers to questions. (This is the basis of Lateral Thinking.) Thus,
when asked, Do you like blancmange? my program replied, I think Mozart
shows a surer grasp of symphonic techniques. Likewise, when asked, What
is wrong with the job scheduler on this computer? it replied, It doesnt
smell as nice as dead mackerel. Unfortunately, owing to a bug in my programming, the program would occasionally act in an intelligent manner: in
particular it told me that A.I. was a waste of time and that it had
decided to retire to Sussex and keep bees. It still sends me pots of
honey occasionally.

My second approach was to aim for Artificial Wisdom rather than Intelligence. With the Japanese market in mind, I decided that using Zen might
be the easiest way of doing this. A sample conversation follows.

Q: Oh computer, are you able to demonstrate Wisdom?

A: <Displays a picture of a plastic cup being eaten by an alligator.>

Q: Er, yes. How many beans make five?

A: If you say that five beans make five, you deny their reality. But
nobody would say that six potatoes make five.

Q: Right on. Tell me, is Fermats Last Theorem true?

A: If you answer Yes or No you lose your own Buddha-nature. So how do you
answer?

Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?

A: Mu.

Q: I see, I see. Will it rain tomorrow?

However from then on my program refused to talk to me on the grounds that
I had not yet attained Enlightenment. I reluctantly deleted it.

Classified Ads
==============

SWF, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover for short relationship to make
old boyfriend jealous. Box 429.

SWM, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover to make old girlfriend jealous.
Box 182.

1. Weigh yourself
fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes
and before breakfast, because its nice to see how much weight youve
lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Dont forget to remove jewellery as it could
weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy
and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound
of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has
weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel
rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing
the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but its worth it. You will
weigh at least two pounds less than if youd stepped onto the scale normally.

With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks, Wow, this guy must be a god.

With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, Wow, I must be a god.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but its actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other ones shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

Un nuevo empleado se presenta a trabajar a la oficina y, como todo empleado nuevo, se sentía un poco incómodo. En el transcurso de la mañana, observó que cada vez que algunos compañeros decían un número todos se ponían a reír. Curioso les pregunta:

¿Por qué cada vez que dicen un número se ponen a reír?

Es que aquí está prohibido que contemos chistes, así que los tenemos enumerados y cuando alguien dice un número ya sabemos a que chiste se refiere y nos ponemos a reír.

Al día siguiente, sintiéndose más en confianza, el nuevo empleado suelta:

El cinco.

Todos sus compañeros se quedan callados; inquieto el nuevo cuestiona:

¿Por qué no se ríen?

Es que vos no tenés gracia para contar chistes.

Iba a haber un concurso de quien era el hombre que aguantaba más latigazos en la espalda.

Llega el norteamericano y lo ponen de espaldas y le empiezan a golpear con el látigo: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… ¡YA YA YA! gritó el norteamericano.

Llega el francés: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… y 6… y 7… ¡YA YA YA! grita el francés.

Finalmente toca el turno del mexicano, pero todo el publico se empieza a reír por el estado físico del mexicano, flaco y chaparro… Entonces se acuesta y empiezan a los latigazos: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4…. y 25… y 36… 56…

De pronto, a lo lejos se escucha la voz de unas personas que dicen: ¡QUE VIVA EL MUDITO, QUE VIVA EL MUDITO… QUE VIVA EL MUDITO!!!

Una vez un tipo extremadamente racista estaba en un bus bastante ocupado. El asiento a su lado estaba libre. Al llegar a la siguiente parada el hombre ve a una negra de 220 kilos con pelos debajo de los brazos, dos metros de estatura, llena de sudor. El hombre sin pensarlo dos veces pone un periódico en el asiento de al lado.

La negra se sube y el hombre le dice que el asiento está ocupado pero ésta le arrebata el periódico se lo lanza y toma asiento.

El hombre, lleno de rabia, se tapa la cara con el periódico y empieza a refunfuñar: ¡NEGRA, SUCIA, HEDIONDA, PELUDA, SUDADA, COCHINA…!

La mujer le toca un hombro interrumpiéndolo y le dice: Si lo que estás haciendo es un crucigrama sin duda alguna la respuesta es CUCA.

A scientist was going to do experiments on the functions
of the brain. So after gathering three volunteers, he decided
to see what would happen when he removed the left half of the
brain from the first man. After doing the operation he put
the man into a rowing machine who proceeded to row and count:
one…three…five…seven…

He wrote down the results and decided to see the effects
of removing the right side of the brain on his second volunteer.
After the operation he put the second man in the rowing machine
and he counted while he rowed: two…four…six…eight.

Finally, the scientist wanted to see what would happen
if he removed the entire brain. After doing so on the third
volunteer, he put him in the rowing machine and the patient
counted: uno…dos…tres…quatro…

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, and the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his request for an annulment.

Its like this, your honor, answered Ole. Ive just learned that Lenas father never had a license to carry that gun!