Old and New Jokes

Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most un technicianlike manner.

Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thus tagged, that thy days in this Earthly vale of tears be long.

Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou toil are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee unto radio heaven

Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for they are surely non believers and are not longeth for this world.

Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the measure of a high voltage circuit, lest thou incinerate both thyself and thy meter.

Take care thou tampereth not with interlocks and safety devices, for this incurreth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the safety inspector upon thy head and about thy shoulders.

Toil not thou on energized equipment, for if thou so doest, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her otherwise.

Service thou equipment not alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful process and thou mine sizzle in thine own juices for hours upon a hot circuit before thy maker sees fit to end thy misery.

Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commenceth to glow in the dark liketh a lightning bug and thy wife hath no further use for thee except for thy wages.

Causeth thou to be tagged all modifications made by thee upon equipment lest thy successor teareth out his hair and goeth slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature madeth a nest in the wiring of such equipment.

Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them is pulling nails from his jar and if they face him, he throws them away. The other blonde asks what hes doing."Duh. Im throwing away the defective ones.""No, stupid! Those are for the other side of the roof."

Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but hed see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?

Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husbands size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit, the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

He continued: After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around.

(For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)

Here are a few:

Hes a wolf in cheap clothing.
It was a case of love at Versailles.
Hes got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
My sister has extra-century perception.
A fool and his money are some party.
Alls fear in love and war.
Nip it in the butt.
Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
To each his zone.
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
No more negotiating – its a dumb deal.
Its a long road to hold.
All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want any more children, and what could the doctor do to help?. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!

His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why theyd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten.

Deciding that both doctors couldnt be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…, at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand:
6, 7, 8…

Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.

8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though youve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dogs homepage is actually good.

You cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.

One day there were two mathbooks sittin on a school desk. One turns to the other sobbing and says Ive got problems- BIG problems.

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with A then B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on Q unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old .
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbours thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.
Make grunts randomly during the sermon. Act as if it wasnt you.
If any of the people singing have extremely unique voices, try and imitate them.
If possible, rig a mic in the bathroom.
Then, go to the bathroom, disguise your voice, and say strange things into the mic. Examples: Wowie! Big Daddys coming to town!, Oh my gosh, thats my lego!, Oh no, not blood again!, Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!
If you have