Old and New Jokes

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice cream parlor together. The brunette went up and asked for a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The counter man was confused, but gave her a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The redhead went up and asked for a single dip of vanilla ice cream with Pepsi poured over it. The man was really confused now. But he gave the redhead her order. The blonde was listning to the other two women and thought that she should have a special order too. So she went up and asked for an extra-large root beer with no roots.

Eating with Children



A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.



All during the sit-down dinner, the hosts three-year-old girl stared at her fathers boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.



The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.



He asked her, Why are you staring at me?



Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.



The little girl said, My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I dont want to miss it!

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.



Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.



The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,Youre not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!



So, how did you break YOUR leg??

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldnt expect you to understand.

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 – Dont tell people everything you know.

Goebels Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.

Henry started by saying, I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered, Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.

The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says, Well, if you think thats bad, Ive got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin on me with a horse!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?

They both say…insert Bill here!

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard shes thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, shes pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says hell be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

Look… lie here on the bed — youll be thrown right to the floor!

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. What, he says, are you doing here!?!

The manager calmly replies, Would you believe Im waiting for a train?