Llega un señor con su hijita a una jugueterÃa. La niña ve las Barbie y le pregunta a la señorita que atendÃa, oiga, ¿cuánto cuesta la Barbie doctora?
100 pesos, responde la dependiente.
¿La rockera?
Cien pesos.
¿La ama de casa?
100 pesos.
¿La deportista?
100 pesos.
¿La Barbie divorciada?
500 pesos.
¡500 pesos!, ¿por qué ésa cuesta más que las otras?, cuestiona la niña.
¡Ah, porque la Barbie divorciada incluye la casa en la playa de Ken, su convertible y su mansión!
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Heres an orange. The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…
When the man in the street says: If it aint broke, dont fix it, the lawyer writes: Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Possum!
Possum who?
Possum peace pipe!
Whats an atheists favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street
Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.
what do you call a whole bunch of black people runnimg down a hill?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Oh…thats odd…I thought I had reservations!
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadnt been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters. Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled The Mystery of the StarBuck. THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: LATTE Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: MOCHA Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: CAPPUCHINO Bring it across to your right shoulder: FRAPPUCHINO Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra: ARABICA, OH MAN! Extend your arms to the sides, and intone: BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.
Q: Whats the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!