Old and New Jokes

The problem with getting a life is making the payments.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some
old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

Ok, These two blondes went skydiving. The first jumped and opened her parachute. Then the second one jumped and hers wouldnt open, so she flew by the other blonde and then she said, Oh, so now you wanna race? So then she took her parachute off…

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually youll get what you want.
When it comes to having sex, if at first you dont succeed… BEG!
Dont go out without ID.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap
Always give people a friendly greeting… a cold nose in the crotch is effective.
If its not wet and sloppy… its not a good kiss…

Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table. Want to hear the worldss worst Polish Joke?

#2 says Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? Theyre Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar? Theyre Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, Im Polish too!!! Now….. still want to tell that joke?

Hell no!, replies #1, I dont want to have to explain it 6 times!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we dont know anything about each other.He said, Thats all right, well learn about each other as we go along.So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.She said, That was incredible!He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you wed learn more about ourselves as we went along!So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

Pull down their genes!

A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders.

The blonde said, How do you give a man shoulders?

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their











lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the











same time,











and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.











The first man (Rascal) said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up











in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.











The second man (Dumbass) said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im











going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.











The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think











Im











going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my











ass up just one more time.