One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, …. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!
The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said?
One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!
When theres traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.You always have the right of way.Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living daylights out of them (in LA, shoot them).If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay little attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles… like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.
Heres the next installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the differently abled, Bill Clinton and his fans, and liberal apologists):
Thursday nights programs:
The Simpsons:
For his Eagle Scout community service project, Bart develops a workable plan to convert Springfields nuclear power plant into a solar facility.
Guest voice: Vice President Al Gore.
Ratings: S/MU, WW, RPSE.
American Playhouse: Young Mr. Clinton:
In a performance entitled Doobie-ous Battle, while protesting the Vietnam War in England, Bill smokes marijuana without inhaling. Part 12 of 15.
Next week: To Russia with Love.
Ratings: S/MU, ISS, PCMM.
L.A. Law:
Douglas finally signs on to a plan to turn McKenzie-Brackman into a non-profit legal defense clinic. Stuart realizes the political justification of his beating during the L.A. riots and agrees to represent his attackers when the state brings new charges against them. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, Benny makes partner.
Ratings: S/MU, ALG, RPSE.
Ratings key:
S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;
ISS: implied safe sex;
WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;
ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;
VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;
PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;
RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.
From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/hell swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when hes done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Un dÃa un tipo se despertó y notó que le habÃa crecido un pene justo en el medio de la frente. Preocupado, va al médico. El médico lo revisa y le dice:
¿Tiene una biblia?
SÃ, contesta el paciente.
Léala y vuelva la semana que viene.
A la semana siguiente el hombre vuelve con el pene en la frente.
Me leà toda la Biblia doctor, ¿quiere preguntarme algo?
No, no, está bien. Bueno ahora busque un libro de historia, léalo y vuelva la semana que viene.
A la semana siguiente el tipo vuelve.
Me leà toda la historia del paÃs doctor, ¿quiere preguntar algo?
No, no, está bien. Ahora, léase un libro de la segunda guerra mundial.
Y el paciente se cansó: Doctor me tiene harto. ¿Qué clase de terapia es ésta? ¿Para qué carajo me hace leer tanto?
¡Porque cuando te crezcan los huevos no vas a poder leer más!
Un tipo se queja con su médico:
“Doctor, mi esposa es frÃgida y no logro excitarla con nadaâ€.
El especialista saca de su botiquÃn unas pastillas y se las da.
“Ponga una de estas pastillas en el café de su esposa antes de acostarse y verá como reacciona ellaâ€.
Por la noche, el marido pone una de las pastillas en el café de su mujer y piensa:
‘Mi mujer es muy frÃa, mejor le pongo dos’.
Duda por un momento y decide ponerle otra más. Antes de acostarse, el marido vuelve a titubear:
‘Le puse tres pastillas, ¿y si ahora no estoy a la altura? Mejor me tomo yo también tres pastillas’.
A media noche, la mujer se despierta jadeando y le reclama a su marido:
“¡¡Necesito un hombre!!â€
El marido, gimiendo de la misma manera, responde:
“¡¡Yo también!!â€
Whats black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A doberman pinscher.
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, What are you up to?
Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!