Old and New Jokes

How do you kill an [ethnic]?

Smash the toliet seat over his head while he is getting a drink of water.

A blonde and a brunette were walking in the park when the brunette stopped and said, Look… a dead bird!

The blonde looked up and said, Where?

CONFIDENTIAL

Dear John:

I know you are always interested in looking for opportunities for investment.

I dont know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real sleeper in making a lot of money with very little investment.

A group of us is considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our intention to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about twenty cents for the white ones and up to forty cents for the black. This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around thirty-two cents, making revenue about $3 million a year. This averages out to about $10 thousand a day excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times faster than cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat ranch. If we started with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of cat per day. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation, self-supporting, and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats, and the rats will eat the cats, and we will get the skins.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes because snakes skin themselves twice a year. This will save the labor costs of skinning the cats as well as giving us two skins per cat.

Let me know if you are interested. As you can imagine, Im rather particular whom I want in this deal. And I want the fewest investors possible.

May I hear from you at your earliest convenience.

Very truly yours,

Ray Waters

How do you fit 40

cubans into a telephone booth?

TELL THEM IT FLOATS!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy cow jump over the moon!

Top ten names for Ben & Jerrys new Presidential ice cream:

10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

And the #1 name for the new Presidential flavor…

1. Captain Cream

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

Okay sure. Ill be right back.

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

Why did you do that? asked the boyfriend.

She replies Because Im allergic to chocolate.

Excuse me, could you tell me the time? asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

Sure….its three fifteen,he replied with a smile.

Thanks, she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.You know, its the weirdest thing-Ive been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back!