Old and New Jokes

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton for hours?

A. Because she noticed the word concentrate on the container.

The Supervisor was berating a key punch operator over her lack of output. …And look at Tina, working right next to you, she has triple your keystrokes.

I know, I know! replied Sheryl, Ive been telling her to slow down for weeks now.

The new Marine recruit was awakened roughly by her platoon Sergeant after the rookies first night in the barracks.

Its four-thirty ! roared the Sergeant.

Four-thirty?!?!? gasped the recruit. Youd better go to bed. Weve got a big day tomorrow.

The newly rich Yuppette was going thru her culture routine and was standing in front on an oil painting of a ragged but happy vagabond. Go figure. she said aloud. Too broke to buy himself any decent clothes but he spends Lord knows how much to have his portrait painted.

Two Yuppettes were lamenting the death of a friend who had died the day before. I understand, observed one, that Dinah left very few effects.

Figures … replied the second, she had very few causes.

The college graduate was listing her experience during a job interview. I was also the recording secretary of the chess club.

I see. said the personnel officer. And as such, exactly what were your duties.

I read the hours of the last meeting.

I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the towns high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?

The waiter thought a moment, then said, I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, its too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. Who are they? he asked.

Ah, said Yeltsin, those are our economists!

But I thought this parade was military… said Clinton, confused.

Mr. Clinton, said Gorbachev, have you SEEN the damage those men can do?

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

Excuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

What was that all about?

Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted conductors coming!, and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.



On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts Conductors coming. All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come
again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Den I come one-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!.

Hey, coola-downa lady, said the man. Imma justa teachin my fren
howa to spella Mississippi.

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit,
Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the
years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

Thats a great honor, George said. Why would you turn it down?

Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin, he said.
And I dont wish to bother studying Latin just for that.

So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldnt know the difference.

Brilliant, Hy complimented me, but what should I say?

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of
Passover? … Why is this night different from all other nights? Can
you say that in Hebrew?

Of course, he said. Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport,
I shall become a knight.

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees
went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before
Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other,
and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.

The queen turned to her husband and said, Why is this knight different
from all other knights?

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people
waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom
something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to
upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the
back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest
to be found.

Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and
the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to
go to the bathroom and the line is so long.

Its very simple, said the Priest.There on the wall is a chart …
column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the
sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.

The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the
holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while
the priest hurried away to the bathroom.

The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me
Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last
confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a
blow job. Thats it, Father.

The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find
blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to
look for a Priest but there was still not a Priest to be found.

Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and
stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?

Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com