A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the childs shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, And now what, my little man?
To which the boy replies, Now we run!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
Could you pass me the sugar, sugar? said the first gal.
Could you pass me the honey, honey? said the second.
Could you pass me the bacon, pig? said the third.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Cierto dÃa, Superman llega a Cuba pera hablar con Fidel respecto a la situación polÃtica del paÃs y su manejo tan desenfrenado con la gente. Después de tres horas y un buen almuerzo con el Comandante Castro, Superman se despide y decide dar una vuelta por la playa.
Luego de tomar el sol y disfruta un par de mojitos, Superman trata de levantar vuelo y se da cuenta que le es imposible salir volando, como si estuviera rodeado de kriptonita. Intenta de nuevo y nada…
Al segundo intento, el superhéroe escucha un murmullo que va en aumento. Cuando vuelve el rostro, 500 mil cubanos están agarrados a su capa gritando:
¡DALE, SUPERMAN, QUE TÚ PUEDES!
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
What does a horny frog say?
Rub it
Posted in Animal |
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: Thats Strange!
Posted in Lawyer |
A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
What the hell do you think youre doing? Theres a public toilet 20 meters from here!
The man, amazed, yells back. What do you think I have, a hose?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Hurewitzs Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to… uh…
Posted in Business |
This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.
Well, the Aussie says, three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!
St. Peter frowns and says, What else?
Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter! the Aussie continues.
What else?
A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!
So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and hell be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Heres your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!
Posted in Ethnic |
THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE
Youre getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If youre a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly cant be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but its a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means theyre a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when companys coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffles highest and best use is to hide whatever youve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Dont use them. Use plastic or paper and you wont have to.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teens mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who dont care if they get in a car wreck.
Time: 3 seconds
SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesnt require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so Im told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Dont bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. Its not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0
SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 15:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, dont even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Whats the longest word? Smiles! Why? Because it has a mile in it!
Posted in General / Unsorted |