Old and New Jokes

A German, an Italian, and a goofy American were trying to get into the stadium at the Sydney Olympics, but the seats were all sold out. The enterprising German stripped down to his shorts and undershirt, picked up a cane fishing pole in a nearby alley, and marched right in stating boldly, Heinrich Schneider, Germany, Pole Vault.

Noting the ease of entry, the Italian took off his outer garments, grabbed a large round stone, then just as boldly strode in the gate, announcing, Pasquale Galento, Italy, Shot Put.

Not to be outdone, the American guy took off all but his BVDS, went into a nearby hardward store were he purchased some barb-wire. As he approached the gate the American spoke out confidently, Hans Dumbkopfski, USA,, Fencing.

#1 Ropes or chains dear?

#2 Chains tonight!

#1 Leather or rubber?

#2 Rubber and spikes please.

#1 E, amyl, gange or billy?

#2 E and gange please.

#1 K.Y.jelly or Vaseline?

#2 K.Y. please.

#1 Condom?

#2 Naaaaaah!

#1 Ready?

#2 Yes!

#1 Right! Which nightclub shall we go to then?

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas, the friend observed. But didnt you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?

Well, the husband said, we changed our plans because, uh…



His wife cut in, Oh, tell the truth, Fred!



Fred was completely silent.



After a long pause, the wife continued, You know, its just ridiculous! Fred simply will not ask for directions!

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt
get it.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi.

The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for the allies.

The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced sink us), the shoulder patch of the US Armys 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitlers private train was named Amerika. All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being Killed was 71%.

Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

Germanys power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing.

Worse yet the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasnt worth the effort.

A number of air crewman died of farts.(ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared mine fields by marching over them). It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army – Joseph Stalin

The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops that WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants.

Among the first Germans captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for The German Army until the US Army captured them.

A malfunctioning toilet sank German submarine U-120.

The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germanys newest radar system.

One of Japans methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat. – LtGen. Mutaguchi

Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the fire fight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for the US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I dont know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officers mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious Heavy Water. He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ike!
Ike who?
Ike-nt stop laughing!

The following are letters from children to GOD.







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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

-Jane







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Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.

Love, Alison







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Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

-Lucy







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Dear GOD, Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

-Anita







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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

-Norma







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Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now?

-Jane







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Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?

-Nan







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Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

-Neil







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Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

-Jane







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Dear GOD, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then Im going to fix my brother.

-Darla







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Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

-Joyce







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Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)





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Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.

-Tom L.







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Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

-Bruce







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Dear GOD, If we come back as something – please dont let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.

-Denise

Girl your so fine i wish i could plant you and have a whole bunch of yall