Arkansas….
3 Million People
15 Last Names
02
Apr
02
Apr
Llega Pepito a la farmacia y pide un preservativo; paga y se va. Al poco rato regresa y pide uno más grande. El farmacéutico le pregunta:
¿Cómo que uno más grande?
SÃ, es que el otro me quedó chico.
El boticario le da uno más grande. Minutos después, Pepito regresa nuevamente y pide un condón todavÃa más grande.
A ver Pepito, no creo que necesites uno más grande. De todos modos, te voy a dar el más grande que tengo, es más, vamos a un cuarto y te voy a ver cuando te lo pongas.
Pepito comienza a ponérselo en la cabeza y el farmacéutico le grita:
¡No, pendejo, ahà no se pone!
Ya sé, lo que pasa es que voy a ir a una fiesta de disfraces, y me quiero ver bien verga.
02
Apr
El hombre descubrió el vidrio e inventó la botella.
La mujer descubrió el vidrio e inventó el espejo.
El hombre descubrió la baraja y ahà mismo inventó el juego.
La mujer descubrió la baraja e inventó la brujerÃa.
El hombre descubrió la palabra e inventó la conversación.
La mujer descubrió la conversación y ahà mismo inventó el chisme.
El hombre descubrió el dinero e inventó el comercio.
La mujer descubrió el comercio e inventó el crédito.
El hombre descubrió la comida e inventó el almuerzo y la cena.
La mujer descubrió el almuerzo y la cena e inventó la empleada doméstica.
El hombre descubrió a la mujer e inventó el sexo.
La mujer descubrió el sexo e inventó el matrimonio.
El hombre descubrió el trabajo e inventó el salario.
La mujer descubrió el salario y ahà la cagamos.
02
Apr
* Emergency Rooms will tell you one of the most common injury suffered in falling out of bed for a guy is a broken dick. Although the penis does not have a bone it is full of erectile tissue that can be bent too far to the point of snapping. This type of injury requires surgery to correct. Often it can result in massive hemorrhaging.
* The man who accidentally sent a knee into his lovers face in the dark as he climbed up to *** ***k her. Broke her nose, blackened both her eyes and knocked out three teeth, one of which had to be dug out of his kneecap. It had dug down to the bone and stuck there.
* Getting nailed in the nuts is no joke either, a friend of mine got an unintended knee in the groin when he and his girl were changing positions and the impact ruptured a vein. His ball sack filled with blood. It swelled to a diameter of seven inches and turned black on the way to the hospital. The good folks at the Emergency Room had to lance it upon arrival and it burst like a balloon. They then had to cut it open and fix the blood vessel. He was bed ridden for almost two months. (He married the girl and they have been together now for over ten years.)
* The guy who couldnt wait and jumped into bed at the sight of his naked and beckoning lover. His action sent a wave across the waterbed so big it threw her out of bed. She took out the nightstand and the lamp, the room was plunged into darkness. She was knocked out cold as her head hit the wall. To top it off, when she fell out of bed, she landed on her sleeping cat killing it with her plummeting body.
* The woman who slipped in the shower while she was stroking her lovers erection, her fall was averted but she twisted him so hard that another trip to the emergency room was needed.
* The couple who fell through the glass shower door and needed stitches.
* The girl who got a slipped disk in an unusual sexual position and could not straighten up. (The Emergency Room got a real chuckle over that one.)
* The man who served breakfast in bed to his girl and she was so taken by it that they started to make love again, with the tray still on the bed. The coffee spilled and shorted the electric blanket which set fire to the bed.
* The woman who lost her dentures in the middle of a blowjob on a guy she had just met. When the teeth came loose they cut him so bad he had to have stitches.
02
Apr
Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?
A:a viberator is an artificial dick!
02
Apr
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii; but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?
The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel…! No. Think of another wish.
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why theyre crying…know whatthey really want when they say, Nothing…know how to make them truly happy….
The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?
02
Apr
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldnt eat her mushrooms.
02
Apr
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, Im fantastic in bed. Thats Direct Marketing.
Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, Hes fantastic in bed. Thats Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, Im fantastic in bed. Thats Telemarketing.
Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, By the way, Im fantastic in bed. Thats Public Relations.
Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear youre fantastic in bed. Thats Brand Recognition.
02
Apr
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
…. with Beer
01
Apr
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.
You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.
No, says the tourist, I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.