Old and New Jokes

George Carlin

Ads in Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills

now? Like bills arent distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank you.

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Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). Thats how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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Cripes

My wifes from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh? of the church of Holy Moly. Im not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

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Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We cant help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, how can he want me the way I look in the morning? Its because we cant see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

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Pregnancy:

Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my

god. Hes kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I dont do that when I have gas. Oh my god…give me your hand…It wont be long now…

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Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior

Citizen. You dont want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

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Reverse Life Cycle:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is

tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. Whats that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when youre too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until youre young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…you finish off as a gleam.

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Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each

prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I dont think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they dont want to run, they can rest in the chair thats hooked up to the generator.

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Award Shows:

Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

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Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice theres always like 18% I dont know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…Theyre voting I dont know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DONT KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe youre not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) Im not in the mood.

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Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someones

answering machine? Hi, Its a great day and Im out enjoying it right

now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer cant be found. So he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, I think I can stand over the hole! So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, Grab for my thingy and pull yourself up. And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you dont need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

– He wanted to illustrate a point.

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

Its supposed to be a tiger! Sally cried.

Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied, Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says, No, not quite. Youve got some shit on the end of your nose!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!The room suddenly got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. Yes? replied the teacher.Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

A un alumno de una escuela rural que iba en primer año lo querían cambiar a segundo a mitad del curso. Muy inteligente el muchacho, ¿no? Su maestra le hace tres preguntas enfrente del rector para saber si acepta el traslado.

A ver, Checo, ¿qué es lo que hace un hombre parado, una mujer sentada y un perro en tres patas?

Pues saludar, maestra.

Muy bien. Ahora dime, ¿qué es lo que primero le mete un hombre a la mujer cuando se casan?

Pues el anillo, maestra.

Por último. ¿A qué me refiero cuando te digo que las vacas tienen cuatro y yo dos?

A las extremidades inferiores, maestra.

Muy bien, Checo.

La maestra se dirige al decano y le pregunta:

¿Cómo lo ve? ¿Lo pasamos a segundo?

¡Por mí, páselo a sexto, porque yo me equivoqué en las tres!

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, Dont you think its time we told him he was adopted?