Old and New Jokes

Thats the last time Im going to cook in the nude. said X-rated cable-TV show host ROBIN BYRD, after accidentally burning her breasts on a baking pan.

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Below is a list of new drugs users of viagra have requested the me makers of viagra develop.

VIAGRA-SKI
Wonderful for those who have a hard time getting up on water-skis. Forty-five minutes after taking it, youll get up and stay up, out of the water.

DIRECTRA
A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA
Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting anew one.

CHILDAGRA
Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA
In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA
Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA
Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA
This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLYAGRA
This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA
About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber.

Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows.51 days, 51 days, 51 days! Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. 51 days, 51 days, 51 days! Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting 51 days, 51 days, 51 days! The bartender cant contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed childs puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, Whats all the chanting and celebration about? The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we

decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples favorite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.



He knocked on the first door and a man answered.



Sir, what is your name ?; asked the student



John ,



Sir, Im doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?



Watching bubbles in bath, Came the reply.



He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.



Sir, what is your name ?



Jeff! ,



Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?



Watching bubbles in bath, was the answer.



Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime, watching bubbles in bath.



He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.



At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door.



Our surveyor starts again – What is your name?



Bubbles!

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural, she said. Junior, put your arm around your dads shoulder.



The father answered, If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the

mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, OK, lets get out and get him!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts –

THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!

The front guy says, Well, Im gonna start nibbling grass,

but you better start to brace yourself!

A pair of jumper cables goes into a bar, the bartender says alright, Ill serve you but dont start anything.

I was talking to a guy in the line at the store. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said Three wives, all dead and buried? He said Yes.
What happened to the first one?
Poison Mushrooms.
What happened to the second one?
Poison Mushrooms.
And the third?
Fractured skull.
How did that happen?
She wouldnt eat the poison mushrooms.