Old and New Jokes

The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you dont have to explain why.

The Bryant Gumbel farewell garnered the highest. Today Show ratings in
seven years. It just goes to show that if you give the viewers what they
want, theyll tune in, says Bob Mills.

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising Christian Puppies. Their interest piqued, they go inside. How do you know theyre Christian puppies?Watch, says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, Fetch the Bible. The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, Find Psalm 23. The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks Does he also know regular commands?Gee, we dont know. We didnt ask, replies the husband.Turning to the dog, he says, Sit. The dog sits. He says, Lie down. The dog lies down. He says Roll over. The dog rolls over. He says Heel. The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owners forehead and bows his head.Oh look! the wife exclaims. Hes PENTECOSTAL!

There are a Couple of things you should know

When Im born, Im black

When I grow up, Im black

When I go in the sun, Im black

When Im cold, Im black

When Im sick, Im black

And when I die, Im still black.

You white fella

When youre born, youre pink

When you grow up, youre white

When you go in the sun, youre red

When youre cold, youre blue

When youre scared, youre yellow

When youre sick, youre green

And when you die, youre gray.

And you have the nerve to call me colored???

Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play.

In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne’s favorite Finnish dishes.

In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie.

It was a huge success. The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of … the father, the son and the goalie host.

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.



The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, Dammit! Some asshole has my pen.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
Heckle the professor.
Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
If its a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say He knows. Pick a different person each time.
Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.
Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
Write a love note. Sign it a secret admirer. Get someone to pass it to the professor.
Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.
While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourettes syndrome.
Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say They were out of apples.
Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.
If its an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeares Midsummer Nights Dream.
Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.
Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didnt have time to eat breakfast.
Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didnt have time to change out of it.
Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professors desk.
Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.
Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.
Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.
Switch the professors lecture notes with your history notes from last term.
Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didnt see any sign saying you couldnt bring cameras.
Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.
Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.
Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.
When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, Hey! A substitute! All right! Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.
Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.
If its a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folgers Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.
Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
Write your assignment on Plato on your little sisters modeling clay.
Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesnt know. Act angry when he/she doesnt understand you.
Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesnt believe you.
When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo! then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.
Turn your row into a mosh pit.
Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.
Two words: American Gladiators.
Make requests like people do at rock concerts. (Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!)
Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows arent what they used to be.
Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.
When the professor calls on you, mumble inconprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.
When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.
Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class.

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared


carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.

Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!

Morris replied, Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?

(Rabbi nods yes)

Did you see me order this meal?

(again he nods yes)

Did you see the waiter bring me this food?

(again he nods yes)

And did you see me eat it? (nods yes)

Then, Rabbi, I dont see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!

Good question…

Do dogs have fleas, or do fleas have dog?

hmmmm.