Old and New Jokes

A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

What the hell do you think youre doing? Theres a public toilet 20 meters from here!



The man, amazed, yells back. What do you think I have, a hose?

Hurewitzs Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to… uh…

This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.

Well, the Aussie says, three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!

St. Peter frowns and says, What else?

Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter! the Aussie continues.

What else?

A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!

So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and hell be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Heres your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!

THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE



Youre getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?



Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If youre a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.



However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.



SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS

If a room clearly cant be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.



CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.



Time: 2 seconds



SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE

No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but its a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.



Time: 2-3 minutes



SECRET TIP 3: OVENS

If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means theyre a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when companys coming.



Time: 2 minutes



SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS

Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.



Time: 2.5 minutes



SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS

Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.



Time: 3 minutes



SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES

No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffles highest and best use is to hide whatever youve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)



Time: 4 minutes





SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING

The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.



Time: 3 minutes



SECRET TIP 8: DISHES

Dont use them. Use plastic or paper and you wont have to.



Time: 1 minute



SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)

This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teens mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.



CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who dont care if they get in a car wreck.



Time: 3 seconds



SECRET TIP 10: IRONING

If an article of clothing doesnt require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so Im told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.



Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)



SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING

Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Dont bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.



Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only



SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING

The key here is low, low, and lower. Its not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.



Time: 10 seconds



SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING

Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.



Time: 0



SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS

Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.



Time: 1 minute



SECRET TIP 15:

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, dont even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

Whats the longest word? Smiles! Why? Because it has a mile in it!

A German, an Italian, and a goofy American were trying to get into the stadium at the Sydney Olympics, but the seats were all sold out. The enterprising German stripped down to his shorts and undershirt, picked up a cane fishing pole in a nearby alley, and marched right in stating boldly, Heinrich Schneider, Germany, Pole Vault.

Noting the ease of entry, the Italian took off his outer garments, grabbed a large round stone, then just as boldly strode in the gate, announcing, Pasquale Galento, Italy, Shot Put.

Not to be outdone, the American guy took off all but his BVDS, went into a nearby hardward store were he purchased some barb-wire. As he approached the gate the American spoke out confidently, Hans Dumbkopfski, USA,, Fencing.

#1 Ropes or chains dear?

#2 Chains tonight!

#1 Leather or rubber?

#2 Rubber and spikes please.

#1 E, amyl, gange or billy?

#2 E and gange please.

#1 K.Y.jelly or Vaseline?

#2 K.Y. please.

#1 Condom?

#2 Naaaaaah!

#1 Ready?

#2 Yes!

#1 Right! Which nightclub shall we go to then?

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas, the friend observed. But didnt you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?

Well, the husband said, we changed our plans because, uh…



His wife cut in, Oh, tell the truth, Fred!



Fred was completely silent.



After a long pause, the wife continued, You know, its just ridiculous! Fred simply will not ask for directions!

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt
get it.