Old and New Jokes

To attract maximum attention, its hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

A: Ive got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.All the mile markers are missing this year.Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.Need more signs to keep area pristine.A McDonalds would be nice at the trail head.The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.Too many rocks in the mountains.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher money where your mouth is!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

There is this couple, and the wife is very self conscious. She is always asking her husband if she is still pretty, if she is too fat, and if her boobs are okay. Well, one day she is standing in front of the mirror naked and asks her husband, Honey, are my boobs too small? No, honey, they are fine. He replies. Are you sure? Yes, but if you want to make them bigger, then why dont you try rubbing toilet paper between them. So for the next couple of weeks the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day. At the end of a couple of weeks she gets in front of the mirror again. Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work? Well, you have been rubbing toilet paper between your ass all these years and thats getting bigger!

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, Im on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, Im on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole. Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. Im in sales, also. What do you sell?

She replied, If I tell you, youll laugh. No, I wont.

Well, if you must know, she answered, I work for Tampax.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, See I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at, he replied. Im a salesman for Preparation H, so Im still a hole behind you!

A Columbia Doctors secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: Your check came back.

The old man replied, So did my arthritis!