1. Reach in and grab the gibblets.
2. Whew…thats one terrific spread!
3. Im in the mood for a little dark meat!
4. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
5. Talk about a HUGE breast!
6. And he forces his way into the end zone!
7. Shes 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to
hold her down.
8. Its cool whip time!
9. If I dont unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!
10. It must be broken cause when I push on the tip,
nothing squirts out.
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who dont know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who dont know are also in two groups.
One is those who dont know and know they dont know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who dont know, and dont know they dont know. And they become unit managers!
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabby said (adopt appropriate dialect), If you dont have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab! So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked? Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way? What?! Get the hell out of my cab. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport? The cabby replied fifteen bucks. The businessman said ok and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
He went into his fathers business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building tradesTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
He called everybody brother
He liked Gospel
He couldnt get a fair trial THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didnt get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, hes a public servant! He shouldnt say things to insult passengers." "Youre right," she said. "I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!""Thats a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A polynomial ring!
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.
Man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
One day there was a knock on the Popes office door.
When he answered it, the salesman said, Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you. After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lords blessing from Give us this day our daily bread to daily chicken.
The Pope said, Im sorry we just cannot do that. The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting.
He returned to the Popes office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again.
The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million.
The Pope said, Let me think it over.
The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lords Prayer from daily bread to daily chicken. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.