Old and New Jokes

Este era un chinito cocinero de un barco mercante y del cual todos los tripulantes se burlaban, le hacían majaderías y bromas pesadas que normalmente terminaban en gritos e insultos tanto de los tripulantes como del chinito.

Un buen día, el capitán del barco viendo que las discusiones eran cada vez más frecuentes y disparejas, se propuso acabar con el desorden de una vez por todas, reunió a todos los tripulantes y mandó llamar al chino, dirigiéndose a los tripulantes les dijo que no quería seguir escuchando los pleitos y quien lo hiciera sería arrestado y permanecería en prisión hasta llegar al puerto en donde sería despedido. Les pidió a todos que se disculparan ante el chino y que todos hicieran las paces para continuar la travesía sin problemas.

Convencidos por el capitán, los tripulantes se disculparon y le dijeron al chino que ya no se meterían con él en lo sucesivo.

El chinito dijo:

¿Develas tlipulantes dejal en paz a chinito?

Siii gritaron todos a la vez.

En ese caso chinito ya no olinal más en el café del desayuno.

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.



At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.



The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.



At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,



Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!

Patient: I think Im a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

They both are fluffy, and they both pee at the worst times.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.

TODDLERS CREED: if you have ever worked with toddlers, you should relate to this 🙂

If I want it, its mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, its mine.
If I can take it away from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If it is mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, its mine.

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldnt find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car."235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blondes friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blonds friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

Dear Santa: Were worried about you.

From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill.

Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have a clear-cut case of rosacea, a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.

Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion — all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litts message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern.

A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:

OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. Weve seen the pictures; weve noticed you in the malls. And weve heard that your tummy shakes like a bowlful of jelly when you chuckle. On this, well take part of the blame. All these years, weve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe its time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING: Youve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed its only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmokers risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipes just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, youre not just a saint, youre a role model.

STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotionsl hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter — as evidenced by your trademark Ho, ho, ho — is one of the best stress-busters.

SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year weve noticed youre also receiving — and answering — e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, santa@cyberspace.com.

We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMI

A: You usually bundle up, and thats good. A Weather Service satelilite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE: Its been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, dont you?

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: Weve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and wed sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.

JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.

SKYJACKERS: OK, youve been lucky so far, but theyre out there.

Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that youre still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas.

But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, dont you?