Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
Honey, if I lie, Ill win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.
His wife says, I dont want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . .
But, what?
Let me put it this way, his wife explained. Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, How so?
Mrs. Smith replies, Just lie there til he goes away.
OReillys law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Liebermans law: Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.
Dennistons law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Golds law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conways law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finsters law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynchs law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muirs law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glymes formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, youve got it made.
Masons first law of synergism: The one day youd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlons razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science:
If its green or wriggles, its biology.
If it stinks, its chemistry.
If it doesnt work, its physics.
Greens law of debate: Anything is possible if you dont know what youre talking about.
Stewarts law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesnt repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Olivers law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrisons postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Thanx to John Hilbe.
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said; I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.
Theres a problem with the angel, said a Pharisee, who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even hover.
And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene, he said sadly. Thats a no-no, too.
Joseph had a bright idea What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and the ass? he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or wood- land creatures of some sort.
Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too. he said. No court can resist that!
Mary asked, What does my sons birth have to do with snowmen?
Snowpersons, cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.
Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture.
Artistic license, he said. Ive got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter. he quipped.
Were not haggard or homeless, the inn was just full, said Mary.
Whatever, said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus birth Because it privileged motherhood.
The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.
Im not a single mother, all Jewish women of my time are called virgins during the first year of their marriage Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infants unfortunate religious character.
An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.
Id hold off on the reindeer, the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are penned environments where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring Free the Bethlehem 2 began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ox and ass. Someone said the halo on Jesus head was elitist.
Mary was exasperated. And what about you, old mother? she said sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?
None of the above, said the woman, I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here.
Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped,
Theyre all male! And, Not very multicultural!
Balthasar here is black, said one of the Magi.
Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled? someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world.
At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again, There is one thing, though, Religious holidays are important, but cant we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about Gloria in excelsis Deo, why not just Seasons Greetings?
Mary said, You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, Hello, its winter?
Thats harsh, Mary, said the woman. Remember, your son could make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesnt push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. Thats not chopped liver!
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, Thats the first time Ive ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks le apperitif? All of them answer oui!
The waiter looks at Zedillo Le tequila? Zedillo: oui!
The waiter looks at Yeltsin Le vodka? Yeltsin: oui!
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton Le whisky? Clinton: DONT MENTION THAT BITCH !!!
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, Ill have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but says nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, its probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think its very fair for him to call you that.
The woman turns to him and smiles and says…
Oh, dont worry, its ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!
Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.