Old and New Jokes

All computers wait at the same speed.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?
No, I stopped drinking years ago, the bum said.Will you use it to gamble?I dont gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay live.Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?Are you NUTS! I havent played golf in 20 years!The man said, Well, Im not going to give you two dollars. Instead, Im going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife. The bum was astounded.Wont your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know Im dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.The man replied, Hey, man, thats OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like whos given up drinking,
gambling, and golf!

3 rabbis died in a car crash and went up to heaven.


when they got to the gates of heaven st. peter was waiting 4 them he said i have to ask u a question before you can enter heaven. he said to the first one wot was the first man called an he replied adam an peter said right ur in.


peter said to the 2nd 1 wot was the first woman called and the rabbi replied eve so peter said right ur in. st. peter said to the last rabbi uve gotta have a harder question coz ur the head Rabbi so peter asked wot woz the first thing eve said to adam so the rabbi said oh thats a hard one. and st peter said well done ur in!!!!!!!

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell
sophisticated American telephone technology to the Soviets.

American : And in the United States, anyone can pick up any phone
and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them
with the police.

Soviet : In the Soviet Union we dont require that you dial anything.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It dont matter what you call him, he aint commin!

Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes so short?

A: So *men* can understand them …

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cereal!
Cereal who?
Cereal pleasure to meet you!

A una señora se le muere el esposo, y en el funeral no suelta ni una lágrima.

Al pasar los días un vecino le lleva unas flores al muertito, cuando de repente ve que la viuda está sobre la tumba haciendo pipí… y viene el vecino y le dice:

Este es el colmo, no lo llora en el funeral, y le falta el respeto haciendoce pipí sobre su tumba.

Y ella le contesta:

¡Ayyyy vecino, es que yo lo lloro por donde más lo siento!

El diablo estaba con unas ganas de comerse un negro; así que se presenta con el negrito y le ofrece:

Vamos a hacer un trato: tú me das culo y luego yo te lo doy a ti.

Listo, acepta el negrito.

Entonces inicia el diablo primero. El negro se coloca en cuatro, y 3 minutos después aquel termina.

Ahora me toca a mí, demanda el negro.

Y empieza a darle por detrás al diablo. Así pasan 5, 10 minutos, y el negro nada que termina. El diablo, que ya estaba aburrido piensa:

Si le saco los cachos, el negro se asusta; me lo saca y se va.

Entonces el diablo saca los cachos y el negro se alegra:

¡Esto va mejorando, ahora es con agarraderas!

The Groaner

The abbey in England that was a bit down at the heels and decided to open a roadside stand to pull in some tourist money.

The abbot decided that something typically English was called for, so he sent Brother Sebastian and Brother Thomas down to the road to open a Fish and Chips stand.

A wit came by and asked Brother Sebastian, Are you the fish friar?

No, friend, answered Brother Sebastian, Im the chip monk.

Slightly Vulgar

While on a special outing to take care of the abbeys business, Brother Sebastian found himself one day in his car, down in the ditch, and there was no help for the motor that had given up the ghost, it seemed.

Along came another motorist who stopped and asked, I say, what seems to be the matter?

Oh, piston broke, said the friar.

So am I, but wats the matter with the cah?