Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat her belly button looks like a second pussy.

Mrs. Feldman was getting acquinted with her new neighbor, Mrs. Johnson when Mrs. Johnson asked, How old are your boys?


The doctor is five and the lawyer is three replied Mrs. Feldman.

I worked for a while with a techie who was originally
from the Ukraine. He would tell me bonafide Russian jokes.
The ones I remember:

The farmers of a commune are gathered together by some officials for an
announcement. The government spokesman steps up and announces that
production is up, tractors are being manufactured in record quantities
and the economy is wonderful. He then asks if there are any questions.
A farmer named Perchek raises his hand. Yes, Comrade, a question. If
everything is so wonderful, why are we hungry, ill-housed and ill-clothed?

An excellent question comes the reply. I will ask it to my superiors
and return to you with an answer.

Three months later, the farmers are once again gathered and the same
type of news is announced. The spokesman again asks if there are
questions.

Yes, says one farmer. Where is Perchek?

There are a whole series of jokes involving the Reds and the Whites
(Reds being the partisan revolutionaries and Whites being the ruling
decadent pigs…) The jokes always involve the exploits of
Sasha, Ivan and Boris, three revolutionary Reds. The only one I can
remember is:

Boris is walking through Red Square one day on his way back to
revolutionary headquarters, when he sees a long line of men with grins
on their eager faces. He recognizes that many of them are prominent
Whites. He sneaks to the head of the line and sees that they are waiting
for a turn to screw a woman laid out on a mat in a warehouse. To his
surprise, he discovers that it is Sasha!

Quickly donning a disguise, he
gets in line and takes a turn, too. He then rushs back to Ivan at
headquarters and announces the traitorous activities of Sasha, who he
caught giving sexual favors to Whites!

About that time, Sasha walks into
the building. Ivan jumps up and angrily demands to know what she has
been doing. Furthering our noble cause, comrades! I have been out
spreading VD among the Whites!

Steven Swinkels

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. Each element of M is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1995:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logging company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits, and when demand for their product is down, the logging workforce can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. A contract logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

(I got a couple of email notes asking for more Johnny Johnson stories, so
here goes. -bill)
[Ed: This is a sequel to the In the Navy article found in the nasty jokes
section.]

For these to make sense you have to know a couple of things. Theres a
ships routine book that spells out everything that is supposed to go on
and when. Its divided into in port and at sea sections –

Time 1600, place 500 miles at sea East of the Virginia capes (remember, Johnny
is black and has a pretty thick accent)

Now pieah sweepahs start ybrooms sweep down the pieah (pregnant pause)
Shit! Nevah mind, Im on the wrong f**kin page again…

The quarter deck is the main place where you board and leave a ship at anchor
or moored in port. Its also where leave papers, etc. are left for people and
the quarterdeck watch pages them to pick them up. One day tied up in Montreal

Now Johnny Johnson, BM3, second division, lay up to the qwatahdeck (pause)
Oh Shit! Thats ME!

In 1960 it was unusual for a cruiser to carry a helicopter but we had one. It
spent most of its time on the aircraft carrier for maintenance but the carrier
flew in mail from ashore every day –

Now flight qwatahs, flight qwatahs, all hands man yoah flight qwatahs stations,
prepeah for landin eahcraft (pause) Look suh! Here come de helo wit da mail!

Bill Kennedy …{rutgers,ihnp4!killer}!ssbn!bill or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they cant tell us her name!

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. Reverend, he said, I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?

I have an idea, said the minister. Take this pin with you. Ill be able to tell when shes sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. …And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

Jesus! cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones, said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

God! cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. Right again, Mrs. Jones, said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didnt notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, …And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?

Mrs. Jones shrieked, You stick that damned thing in me one more time and Ill break it off and shove it up your ass!

(This is a joke told by the Greaseman, a DJ on DC-101, a Washington radio
station:)

Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and
a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said
shed like to buy them, adding, but only of you can embroider If
you can read this, youre too close. on the back.

So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the
rather unusual request.

The tailor said, Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do
that. Does she want block letters or script?

Since the saleswoman didnt know, she went back around to the counter, and
asked, do you want that in block letters or script?

The customer replied, with a smile, Braille.