1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.
Un elefante pasaba todos los dÃas por encima de un hormiguero y lo destruÃa. Un dÃa, las hormigas, cansadas de reconstruir su hormiguero, decidieron hacer algo.
Cuando el elefante pasó por el hormiguero todas las hormigas se le lanzaron encima y comenzaron a picarlo.
El elefante sintió una pequeña molestia y se sacudió y todas las hormigas se cayeron de inmediato, menos una que se quedó prendida del cuello del elefante.
Entonces, todas las hormigas empezaron a gritarle:
¡No seas mensa! ¡ahórcalo! ¡ahórcalo!
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, Is that for sale? Of course not! she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.
Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, thats one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Canadas worst air disaster: Canadas worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.
Andrew, age 6
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.
Mae, age 9
I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.
Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.
John, age 9
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it.It takes too long.
Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.
Anita C., age 8
It isnt always just how you look.Look at me.Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.
Brian, age 7
Beauty is skin deep.But how rich you are can last a long time.
Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.
Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs dont wag their tails nearly as much.
Arnold, age 10
All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.
Sherm, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.
Gavin, age 8
They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.
John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Dinosaurs is on television.
Jill, age 6
Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.
Floyd, age 9
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.
Dave, age 8
Im not rushing into being in love.Im finding fourth grade hard enough.
Regina, age 10
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
Sensitivity dont hurt.
Robbie, age 8
One of you should know how to write a check.Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.
Ava, age 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.
Del, age 6
Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and dont worry if their parents are right there.
Manuel, age 8
Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers.You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.
Alonzo, age 9
One way is to take the girl out to eat.Make sure its something she likes to eat.French fries usually works for me.
Bart, age 9
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.
Bobby, age 9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food.
Bart, age 9
Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.
Sarah, age 9
See if the man has lipstick on his face.
Sandra, age 7
Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are – on fire.
Christine, age 9
TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
How Do I Love Thee When Youre Always Picking Your Nose?
Arnold, age 10
You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.
Larry, age 8
I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!
Eddie, age 6
I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Dont Bother Me When Im with My Friends.
Bob, age 9
Hey, Baby, I Dont like Girls but Im Willing to Forget You Are One!
Will, age 7
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.But I hope he showers at least once a day.
Michelle, age 9
Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.
Dick, age 7
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didnt always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.
Gina, age 8
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.
Julia, age 7
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
Brian, age 7
It might help to watch soap operas all day.
Carin, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When theyre rich.
Pam, age 7
Its never okay to kiss a boy.They always slobber all over you … Thats why I stopped doing it.
Tammy, age 10
If its your mother, you can kiss her anytime.But if its a new person, you have to ask permission.
Roger, age 6
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.
Dick, age 7
Dont forget your wifes name … That will mess up the love.
Erin, age 8
Be a good kisser.It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.
Dave, age 8
Dont say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isnt like picking what movie you want to watch.
Natalie, age 9
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing Americas best and brightest to the Nations Capitol to help the Head Man do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of Americas movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour wont show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sounds like its for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
I couldnt believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic.
— M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name: _________________________
Hometown: _____________________
Sex: F_____ Age: __
Measurements: __ __
(required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you…
…Giggly:
…Drunk:
…Hot:
…To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
Youve always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
Youve always wanted to know more about the Presidents:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) monument to democracy
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who hijacked a submarine?
He demanded $200,000 and a parachute.
Mario the mafioso gave his son Tony a handgun for his 13th birthday. The next week, when Mario asked to see the gun, Tony proudly showed him a new watch that he had traded the gun for.
Mario was quite upset and said to Tony: So, Tony, when you get married and someday come home and catch your wife in bed with another man, whatchu gonna do – look at your watch and ask How long you gonna be?