Old and New Jokes

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

Its called, Yank My Doodle, Its a Dandy.

A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Dont read this if youre an easily offended Catholic.

Ah, what Catholics have to endure for their faith. Take communion for
example–you spend hours sitting around on a hard bench, only get one
small cracker to eat, and get to spend the rest of the day poking
around with your tongue trying to scrape Jesus Christ off the roof of
your mouth.

Q:WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHER

A:ILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH 🙂

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The mans tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked Say Father, what causes arthritis? The priest replies My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man Well Ill be darned the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. Im sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming veryfrustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair ofshoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said,"By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself analligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly towardher. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to theswamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!"

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though…

Its Hawaii Im telling you! she said.

Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii is how its pronounced! he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation…

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, Now that were on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this Hawaii or Havaii?

This is Havaii, the man replied.

Ha! the husband said, turning to his wife, See, didnt I tell you never to argue with me? Im alllll-ways right! As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty Thank you!

Youre Velcome!!!

Kosher Millionaire

You have been selected to play So You Wouldnt Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire…You Should Only Live So Long. You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:

1. You may call a Rabbi for his opinion.


2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.


3. You may consider your spouses opinion … or not.

Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion.

Lets play…

For $100

Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry?


A. Oy Vey is Mir

For $200

Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?


A. All right, everybody get in the car.

For $500

Q. Who is Israels favorite Internet provider?


A. Netanyahoo.

For $1,000

Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?


A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000

Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?


A. Debbie Does Windows

For! !$4,000

Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?


A. The Plaintiff.

For $8,000

Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?


A. Nyah, nyah, your mother pays retail.

For $16,000

Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?


A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000

Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?


A. Nothing.

For $64,000

Q. Define Genius.


A. A C student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000

Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?


A. She puts down her nail file.

For $250,000

Q. When should a Moyel retire?


A. When he cant cut it anymore.

For $500,000

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?


A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000

Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?


A. The accent.

Yo Mama is so fat, she tried to fit into a pair of BVDs and by the time she got it on, it spelled BOULEVARD.



Yo Mama is so ugly, she went to the beauty parlor and it took her three hours just to get an estimate.



Yo Mama is so old, she went to a museum and they tried to claim her as an exhibit.



Yo Mama is so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.



Yo Mama is so old, when God said let there be light, she was there to flick the switch.



Yo Mama is so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed, tripped over the wire of a cordless phone, and got hit by a parked car.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt
love her.