Old and New Jokes

How do you stop a skunk from smelling? You hold his nose!

This was overheard at a campus eating establishment.

A guy grumbled at his friend, and then said, Sorry, Im in a bad mood
today. The friend asks why, and the guy replies quite mater-of-factly,
Well, Im in grad school.

A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

A: Theyre too hard to peel.

This little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair reflecting on her long life when a fairy godmother approached her to grant her three wishes. What would you like for your first wish, she said.The little old lady said I guess Im like everyone else, and would like to be rich. POOF-her rocking chair turned into solid gold. And, for your second wish? She asked.Well, again, like everyone else, I wish I were young and beautiful. POOF–she was turned into a beautiful young woman. As she was trying to come up with her third wish, her cat walked across the porch in front of her. Ooh–can you turn him into a handsome prince? POOF–before her eyes was the most handsome young man she had ever seen. She was sitting there all smitten–he smiled at her with a smile that made her knees week. He slowly approached
her and whispered in her ear. Ill bet youre really pissed off that you had me neutered.

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which one

gets to the ground first?

Answer: The brunette… the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

Funniest One Liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?



The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.



After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.



Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, Do you have anything for this?



The lady looked closely at her and replied, Have you tried Clearasil?

Gravity is because the earth sucks.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, Ive got trouble down here!""Whats the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine."Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You cant get out of here with an eight iron!"