Old and New Jokes

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout PRAISE THE LORD!

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, There aint no Lord!!

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, PRAISE THE LORD.

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didnt.

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!

(Advice: You have to pronouce these in order to get the joke.)

Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling banana once youve started.
Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked Who goes there?
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.

Received from the Joke du Jour list.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other peoples ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skaters rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that its easier to go faster when youre always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah, the lost rs migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh his car and invest in erl wells.

OConnell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!

The following letter, reprinted with permission from the Herbal
Spotlight (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539),
was received by the Secretary of Agriculture.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for
$1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want
to go into the not raising hogs business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs
not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer
not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I havent raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year
when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs.

If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring
in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane
Ive been wanting.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed
the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the not milking cows business, so please send
me any information your department has on this program, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food
stamps.

Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the
coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Just Waiting In Iowa

PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
surplus cheese?

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man? $

3.99 a minute!

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe itll work!?

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they werent chosen.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, arse hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,

You stay out of this mister. Im talking to that little bastard on your knee.

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

This is Capt Johnson. Were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, first Im gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old ladys bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, No need to run, dear, hes gotta take a shit first!