Old and New Jokes

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight.

a man walks into a bar and says i want a beer with a side o f a coke the chinese waitergoes and pees in the coke and comes back with the coke and beer the guy takes a sip of coke and sprays it out in disgust and the waiter dances around chanting me chinese me no joke me go peepee in your coke this happens to two more people before a cowboy comes in same thing happens and after the chinese man gets done with his little chant of his the cowboy pulls him by the colar and whispers into his ear me cowboy me shoot fast me shott bulets up your____

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but whats with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldnt steal pituitaries.
Damn, Ill burn you into a BBQ chicken!
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
Quiet or Ill blow your throat up.
You always use violence. I shouldve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
Ill fire aimlessly if you dont come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
And finally…
 
Take my advice, or Ill spank you without pants.

Rainy WWW

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was


bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

(copied from Whats New, newsletter written by Robert L. Park
of the American Physical Society and posted in sci.physics)

2. SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE. In a
recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government
has offered to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia
into an international space research facility in response to US
complaints that the radar would violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev
suggested that the US reciprocate by turning the unfinished US
embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The
communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.

Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance mans pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into departments workload report.

Resulta que en el Ayuntamiento de Tontilandia se ha ido amontonando una gran cantidad de documentos y ya no queda sitio en los archivos para almacenarlo todo. Así que un día deciden tirar algunos papeles inútiles para hacer algo de sitio.

Una secretaria no está segura de si unos legajos son útiles o no, y le pregunta al alcalde:

Señor alcalde, ¿tiramos también estos expedientes?

A ver… pues… no sé… bueno, tírelos, pero antes haga una fotocopia.

Un hombre se encuentra con un amigo y le dice, oye chico, hace 3 días que tengo una ronquera y no se me quita con nada.

Y el amigo le contesta; muchacho, así estaba yo la semana pasada, pero cogí a la mujer mía y le di esa mamada, que se me quito todo.

Y dice el hombre, ¿pues que hacemos? Vamos para allá o tú me la traes para acá.