Old and New Jokes

Your momma is so dumb . . .

She failed her blood test.

Paddy and Mike had just arrived in New York from Dublin and were walking
around the city. Since they didnt know about traffic signals they crossed
the street at will and were almost hit several times. Finally, Officer
Flaherty spots them and comes running up, yelling, Are ye daft, crossin
on the red? Pardon us, constable, Paddy says, but weve just come from
the Old Country. Ah, well, the cop says, that explains it. Listen,
you only cross when the light is green. Ya got that?…only on the green!
So Paddy and Mike continue their walk, and they wait on the orange and red
and only cross on the green. After they wait through a few orange and red
lights, Paddy turns to Mike and says, They dont give the Protestants much
time to get across, do they?

It turns out that Heaven isnt above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.

One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.

God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence.

The Devil says, Sure, no problem. Ive got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors.

So, the fence is rebuilt but its three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is really pissed off.

If you dont move that fence back, yells God, Im gonna sue you.

Yeah, right, says the Devil. Where are you gonna get a lawyer?

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a female
gorilla of a very rare species. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became
very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters
worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,
a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals
cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. So, the park
administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to fuck the
gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that
he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

First, he said, I dont want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you
must never tell anyone about this.

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
asked what was his third condition.

Well, said Ed, You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500.

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and Im glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.

He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled JESUS CHRIST! as loud as he could.

It was like a football game with him shouting, GO!…JESUS CHRIST!…GO! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.

I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me!

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas.

Its a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

Fellow 1: Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.

Fellow 2: Wow, thats Incredible. How did he know all of that?

Fellow 1: A judge told him.

Un joven va a pedir trabajo a una farmacia. El dueño le cuestiona acerca de lo que sabe hacer; el tipo dice que es adivino y que sabe lo que las personas quieren comprar. El dueño lo pone a prueba:

A ver, ¿qué va a comprar ese viejecito?

Va a comprar una pomada para la artritis.

Entra el anciano y pide una pomada para la artritis.

Ese niño, ¿qué va a comprar?

Va a comprar pastillas para la tos.

Entra el niño y compra pastillas para la tos.

Bueno, la última prueba: ¿qué va a comprar la señora que entra?

Va a comprar supositorios.

Entra la señora y pide toallas femeninas.

Entonces, el farmacéutico le dice al joven que falló, ya que no compró supositorios.

Sí, pero le fallé por unos centímetros.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes hes absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. Im so sorry, auntie, Ive eaten all of your peanuts!

Thats okay, dearie, the aunt replied. After Ive sucked the chocolate off, I dont care for them anyway.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Denis!
Denis who?
Denis anyone?

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks by the TV, you miss three TV shows.