Old and New Jokes

Viene esta señora de 85 años y le dice a su cirujano plástico que le haga un trabajo para quitar tantas arrugas. El cirujano la mira y le dice:

Llega usted en buena hora porque acabo de inventar un estupendo procedimiento. Consta de ponerle un tornillo en la parte superior de su cabeza y cada vez que se le arrugue su cara ajusta el tornillo poco a poco. La señora, con toda la alegría del mundo, accede.

A los dos meses vuelve la señora al consultorio del cirujano y le dice:

Usted es un cirujano mediocre, míreme las bolsas que tengo en los ojos y ya me canse de ajustar el bendito tornillo este.

El doctor la mira con cara de enojo y le contesta:

Vieja bruta, le dije ajuste poco a poco. Eso que tiene en los ojos no son bolsas de agua, ¡son sus senos!

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. Oh Lord, prayed the missionary, Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: Oh Lord, he prayed, I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for man
kind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr.
Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people
questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the Good Luck Mr. Gorsky statement
meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer.

Just last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old
question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr.
Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the
question…. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in
his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his
neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As
he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard
Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying Oral Sex! You want oral
sex? Youll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.

In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.

I guess its because Im a genius he replied casually. I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult.

Snooker for example, he continued, I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Dan Brock with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.

Or rifle shooting, he went on. Ive taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though Im right handed) sight with my right eye (even though the guns in my left hand) and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win Harley whenever I want. Nothings any fun unless I can make it into a challenge.

I was impressed. Got any kids? I inquired.

Yes, he replied. And before you ask …

… Standing up in a hammock.

Jim stepped into the elevator only to be greeted by the President of the company who was about in his mid-nineties. Accompanying him was a gorgeous, blonde bombshell in a tightfitting red dress. Poor Jim couldnt keep his eyes off her but tried hard not too look as she was kissing and hanging all over the Pressie.

She left the elevator, and Jim now alone with the Big Bossman himself tokk the opportunity to ask: Excuse me, sir, Jim said, but who is that gorgeous, blonde bombshell slobbering all over you?

Thats my new wife, he says.

But sir!!! At your age, sex can kill

So the president answers, Well, if she dies, she dies.

(I was reminded of this one by the replaced-dead-rabbit joke)

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding
them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small
lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip
up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and
pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the
other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day hes completed his work and loading his tools into
his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his
pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the
house calls out Have you seen my parakeet?

[Ed: While this is a joke and not a legend, it is also reported in the
Choking Doberman, a book of Urban Legends. ]

The Shoplifter…

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either.

What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend.

Can you show me something less expensive?

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they havent met!

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
arent afraid to have a Chapter 11?

The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.