Old and New Jokes

Who needs a man!…

My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who landed in the water first?

The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers

1. Glazed
2. Jelly
3. Powdered
4. Chocolate Frosted

Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead black dude in the middle of the road?

The dog has skid marks in front of it.

Yo mama so poor that when I saw her kicking a can, I asked her what she was doing and she said, Moving.

The teacher has given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance
of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except
illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family
(with a note). A smart-ass student pipes up: What about
extreme sexual exhaustion, sir? The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with: Well, I guess youll have to learn to write with your
other hand.

There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.

Q: What do you call a comedian in Afghanistan?

A: Larry the Kabul Guy.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put Happy Thanksgiving under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with Merry Christmas up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says if you dont mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?

She says Im sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that theres nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new
bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congrega-tion who would be
willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impedi-ment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and heres the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.Fine job, Peter! The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you. Turning to Paul, he asked And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, I am a professional s alesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on
behalf of the church, and heres $280 I collected.

The minister responded, Thats a