Mountain bikes dont have parents.
Mountain bikes dont whine unless something is really wrong.
Mountain bikes dont care about professional sports.
Mountain bikes dont care if other mountain bikes look at you.
Mountain bikes dont care if you look at other mountain bikes.
If your mountain bike is misaligned, you dont have to discuss politics with it.
You dont have to be jealous of other women coveting your mountain bike.
Your mountain bike never wants a night out with the other mountain bikes.
Mountain bikes dont care what you wear.
Mountain bikes dont feel their bikehood is threatened if you insist on driving.
If your mountain bike doesnt look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You dont have to worry about where your mountain bike has been before you met it.
While standing in front of the gorillas cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the man senseless. When the man came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means F*ck you! in gorilla language. The explanation didnt make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorillas cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
115 COSAS QUE USTED HA DEBIDO HACER AL LLEGAR A LOS 30
Haberse ido de la casa.
Haber tenido un trabajo.
Haber aprendido a manejar.
Haber aprendido a planchar y a doblar camisas.
Haber sufrido por amor.
Haber dejado de pedirle plata a los padres.
Saber exactamente donde queda y para que sirve la próstata.
Haber asistido a un show de strip tease.
Haber disparado un arma de fuego.
Haber sido operado.
Haber aprendido a reÃrse de si mismo.
Haber fisgoneado a alguien.
Haber conocido a su Ãdolo.
Haber escrito un poema.
Haber dejado un mensaje de amor en el limpia brisas de un carro.
Haber probado la marihuana.
Tener un cassette de música clásica en el carro.
Haber tenido relaciones sexuales en un carro.
Haber peleado a puños.
Haber perdonado una infidelidad.
Haber usado mochila o ruana.
Haber aprendido a cambiar un fusible (sin hacer corto circuito).
Haber aprendido a coser un botón.
Haberse acostado con alguien mucho menor que usted.
Haberse acostado con alguien mucho mayor que usted.
Haber comido hormigas
Haber donado plata por caridad.
Haber sido llamado por tener sobregiros.
Tener amigos separados.
Haber asistido a por lo menos tres matrimonios de sus amigos más cercanos.
Haberse tomado media botella de tequila una noche.
Haber bailado lambada o mapale.
Haber tenido un accidente de transito.
Haberse emborrachado con los padres.
Ser padrino o madrina.
Haber tenido el complejo de Edipo o de Electra.
Haber conocido por lo menos cinco ciudades del paÃs.
Haber hecho el amor en por lo menos cinco ciudades.
Haber sembrado un árbol.
Haber roto un condón en un acto sexual.
Haber aprendido a disfrutar un fin de semana solo.
Haber aprendido a dialogar con su hermana o hermano.
Haber salido de camping.
Haber contado chistes de gallegos (o leperos).
Haber salvado una vida.
Haberle mentido a los padres en el costo de los materiales de estudio para quedarse con la diferencia.
Haber llamado a la casa de esa persona que te gusta y colgarle el auricular sin decirle nada.
Haber preparado una cena Ãntima.
Haberle quitado la pareja a tu mejor amiga/amigo.
Haber aprendido a cocinar espaguetis con salsa a la boloñesa.
Haber mantenido tres relaciones simultáneamente.
Haber dejado de usar pijama.
Haber hecho llorar a una mujer/hombre.
Haber llorado por una mujer/hombre.
Saber quienes son sus amigos y quienes sus enemigos.
Haber pedido un autógrafo.
Haberse montado en globo, paracaÃdas, cometa o parapente.
Haber visto un cadáver.
Haber aprendido a bailar salsa, merengue y/o ballenatos.
Haber nadado en un rÃo.
Tener un buen amigo que no sea del colegio, de la universidad o del trabajo.
Haber actuado.
Haber seducido a tu pareja en un restaurante o lugar público.
Haber ido a una playa nudista.
Haber hecho el amor con alguno de la oficina.
Haber tenido sexo oral.
Haber aprendido a dejar de tomar durante la noche.
Haber intentado dejar de fumar varias veces.
Haber echado dedo.
Haber tenido una relación clandestina.
Haberse dejado de bañar durante 3 dÃas.
Haber ido a teatro.
Haber mentido.
Saber exactamente cual es su posición polÃtica.
Haber hecho el amor en por lo menos 10 posiciones diferentes.
Haber hecho el 69.
Haber dicho algo de lo que se arrepienta toda la vida.
Haber hecho algo de lo que se arrepienta toda la vida.
Haber aprendido a tocar un instrumento.
Haber ido a un desierto,
Haber deseado a la mujer/hombre del prójimo.
Haber ido a un motel.
Haber tirado cohetes (voladores o similares)
Haber creÃdo que estabas embarazada/Haber creÃdo que su novia estaba embarazada.
Haber cambiado los pañales de un bebé.
Haber montado en un bus.
Haber enviado flores.
Haber dado una serenata/recibido una serenata
Haber recibido una cachetada (excepción hecha de autoridad paternal).
Haber dado una cachetada
Haber participado en una marcha.
Haberse disfrazado en una comparsa o desfile.
Haber ayudado a pasar la calle a una abuela.
Haberse subido a una montaña rusa.
Haber viajado solo.
Haber propuesto a un hombre hacer el amor/ haberse dejado seducir por una mujer.
Haber asumido conciencia ecológica.
Haberle sacado dinero a tus padres si decirles nada.
Haber dejado de ser insoportable.
Haber hecho el amor con una persona que acabas de conocer.
Haberte volado de clases
Haber hecho que te suspendieran del colegio
Haber buscado pareja por correspondencia.
Haber ido a la costa por tierra.
Haber conocido a alguien famoso.
Haberse ganado un diploma o un trofeo.
Haberse colado a una fiesta.
Haber leÃdo correspondencia ajena.
Haber llorado viendo una pelÃcula.
Haber hablado en público.
Haber ayudado a un animal herido.
Haberse imaginado Presidente de la República.
Haber contestado afirmativamente mas de 80 preguntas.
VIVIOMETRO: Encuentre aquà los resultados.
Si contesto afirmativamente:
ENTRE 80-115:
Usted es una persona que está convencida de que vida sólo hay una. En el colegio capeaba clase de religión y en bachillerato se fumó el primer cacho. Extrovertido, aventurero en el amor, audaz en la coqueterÃa y muy creativo en la vida sexual (por eso cree que las mujeres lindas son para hombres sin imaginación y viceversa). No sabe que es un escapulario ni le interesa y no recuerda todo el Padre Nuestro. Sin embargo, se cree tan Inmortal como Dios. Le preocupa el SIDA y por eso tiene lo último en preservativos. El dÃa de mañana le puede decir a sus hijos, de corazón: confieso que he vivido o hierba mala nunca muere.
ENTRE 60-80:
Usted es una persona que ha tenido en el corcho el poema de Borges Instantes. Goza de una aguda sensibilidad social, es melómano y rumbero pero responsable. Respeta a Freud y por eso piensa que la fidelidad es un tema tan frágil como el de la virginidad hasta el matrimonio. Pragmático y profesional (sobre todo en la intimidad.) Por eso siempre aprovecha cualquier payaso después de la media noche, le gusta la velocidad, raspa fiesta, le gusta estar en familia, es buen deportista y nunca madruga los fines de semana. Usted es de la filosofÃa: El que peca y reza empata.
ENTRE 20-40:
Usted se ha echado una canita al aire pero no se lo reconoce ni a sus mejores amigos. Tiene una edición de la Biblia empastada que mantiene abierta para que proteja su hogar, y el tema de la reencarnación le apasiona. Es abstemio, casero, monógamo (salvo contadas excepciones) y no matricularÃa a sus hijos en un colegio mixto o laico. No pita en los colas evita las groserÃas y se sonroja con los chistes verdes. Y, además, piensa que este tipo de cuestionarios sólo patrocinan la promiscuidad, la vida mundana y distorsiona los valores morales.
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, could you pass the honey honey? to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says Could you pass the sugar sugar? and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?
DISCLAIMER: The sender of this joke and web site provider are not responsible or liable for any thing that happens while attempting these things.
CAUTION: Not to be attempted by anyone under 5 years driving expereince!
Vary your vehicles speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words Help me on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know whos boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?
George Bush:
To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Julius Caesar:
To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide:
To cultivate its garden.
Bill the Cat:
Oop Ack.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Moses:
Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
Joseph Conrad:
Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Thomas Dequincy:
Because it ran out of opium.
Rene Descartes:
It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan:
How many roads must one chicken cross?
TS Eliot:
Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
TS Eliot (revisited):
Do I dare to cross the road?
Epicures:
For fun.
Paul Erdos:
It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.
Basil Fawlty:
Oh, dont mind that chicken. Its from Barcelona.
Gerald R. Ford:
It probably fell from an airplane and couldnt stop its forward momentum.
Sigmund Freud:
The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.
Robert Frost:
To cross the road less traveled by.
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Gilligan:
The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Adolf Hitler:
It needed Lebensraum.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Lee Iacocca:
It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road
John Paul Jones:
It has not yet begun to cross!
Martin Luther King:
It had a dream.
James Tiberius Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Stan Laurel:
Im sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
Leda:
Are you sure it wasnt Zeus dressed up as a chicken? Hes into that kind of thing, you know.
Gottfried Von Leibniz:
In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.
Groucho Marx:
Chicken? Whats all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Karl Marx:
To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Gregor Mendel:
To get various strains of roads.
John Milton:
To justify the ways of God to men.
Alfred E. Neumann:
What? Me worry?
Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Jack Nicholson:
Cause it (censored) wanted to. Thats the (censored) reason.
Thomas Paine:
Out of common sense.
Michael Palin:
Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Wolfgang Pauli:
There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?
Ronald Reagan:
I forget.
Georg Friedrich Riemann:
The answer appears in Dirichlets lectures.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Mr. Scott:
Cos ma wee transport0er beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
William Shakespeare:
I dont know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Sisyphus:
Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates:
To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
Mr. T:
If you saw me coming youd cross the road too!
Margaret Thatcher:
There was no alternative.
Dylan Thomas:
To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
vMark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
George Washington:
Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books dont reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.
Mae West:
I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Walt Whitman:
To cluck the song of itself.
William Wordsworth:
To have something to recollect in tranquility.
Molly Yard:
It was a hen!
Henny Youngman:
Take this chicken … please.
Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could never reach the other side.
Paul de Man:
The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and the other are not really opposites in the first place.
Paul de Man:
(uncovered after his death) So no one would find out it wrote for a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.
Jacques Lacan:
Because of its desire for *object a*.
Roland Barthes:
The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.
Michel Foucault:
It did so because the discourse of crossing the road left it no choice-the police state was oppressing it.
Jacques Derrida:
What is the *differance?* The chicken was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?
Camille Paglia:
It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not capable of doing this-their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved…
Ayn Rand:
It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.
Immanuel Kant:
Because it was a duty.
James Joyce:
Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down…
James Joyce:
To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its race.
Leopold Bloom:
Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration maybe. Mrs. Marion Bloom.
Molly Bloom:
the chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid bloody things here it comes again damn it its only been three weeks I wonder is there something wrong with me yes.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows 98
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade holiday scents in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.
December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.
December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.
December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.
December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.
December 31 New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.
January 1 Stay out of jail.
Introduction To Common Household Objects I – The Mop
Introduction To Common Household Objects II – The Sponge
Dressing Up – Beyond The Funeral And The Wedding
Refrigerator Forensics – Identifying And Removing The Dead
Design Pattern Or Splatter Stain On The Linoleum – You CAN Tell the Difference
Accepting Loss I – If Its Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Accepting Loss II – If The Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator Wont Bring It Back
Going To The Supermarket – Its Not Just For Women Anymore
Recycling Skills I – Boxes That The Electronics Came In
Recycling Skills II – Styrofoam That Came In The Boxes That The Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette I – How To Remove Beard/Mustache Clippings From The Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II – Lets Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III – Five Easy Ways To Tell When Youre About To Run Out Of Toilet Paper
Giving Back To The Community – How To Donate 15 Year Old Elvis To The Goodwill
Retro Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
No, The Dishes Wont Wash Themselves – Knowing The Limitations Of Your Kitchenware
Romance – More Than A Cable Channel
Strange But True – She Really May NOT Care What Fourth Down And Ten Means
Going Out To Dinner – Beyond The Pizza Hut
Expand Your Entertainment Options – Renting Movies That Dont Fall Under The Action/Adventure Category
Yours, Mine, and Ours – Sharing The Remote
I Could Have Played A Better Game Than That! – Why Women Laugh
Adventures In Housekeeping I – Lets Clean The Closet
Adventures in Housekeeping II – Lets Clean Under The Bed
I Dont Know – Be The First Man To Say It
The Gas Gauge In Your Car – Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
Directions – Its Okay To Ask For Them
Listening – Its Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Accepting Your Limitations – Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesnt Mean You Can Fix It
There are 3 guys and they all work in a store. One day a robber comes into the store with a gun ready to shoot. The guys are like please please dont shoot me! So the robber says only on 1 condition you have to bring a fruit tomorrow and stick it up your butt.So the next day the first guy comes with an apple and sticks it up his butt but he was shot any way. The second guy came with an orange and sticks it up his butt but he was shot anyway. So the 2 guys are up in heaven and the first guy starts laughing. Whats so funny, were dead! says the second guy. Its not that! says the first guy. Then what is it?
I just seen the third guy with a watermellon! says the first guy.
A child who is more talented than yours.