Old and New Jokes

Heard on Garrison Keillors Prairie Home Companion radio show:

Ole was on his death bed. His pastor had been summoned and, from all appearances, the end was imminent. As he lay there gasping for breath, a waft of an odor drifted into the room and Ole sniffed.

He realized that he was smelling his favorite of all things, Lenas chocolate marshmallow brownies.

With great effort, the old may got out of bed and, with a huge effort, made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious smell of the brownies. He spied them in the open window, cooling. He staggered over and took one, savoring the aroma, and took a big bite out of it.

At that moment, Lena walked into the kitchen and said, Ole! You should be ashamed of yourself! I baked those for after the funeral!

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS.

The minister scratched his head….thought for a moment and said, Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but Im sure that it exists. See me after next weeks service and I will give you an answer.

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist. She said,Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. Ive read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.

Preacher says, Its right in the book of Matthew. She said, No way, Ive read that several times and its not mentioned at all!

He said ,It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically…that Mary rode Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem!

There was a married couple in their living room, watching television. Suddenly the guy got the urge to have a hot 69 with his wife, Hey, baby, he said, How bout I take you to the room and we go down on each other?

No…

she replies, Im having my period.

I dont care lets do it anyway.

the guy replied.

Ewww… okay.

She said, But what if someone comes to the door.

Ill just tell them I was eating a jelly sandwich and that Im a messy guy.

So they go in the room and theyre going at it hardcore, when the doorbell rings. The guy looks up, and he decides to leave it. The door bell rings again, and a third time. The man finally gets up and opens the door and its a Fed Ex mail carrier.

I have a package for you.

The mail carrier said looking at the guy in a weird way.

Okay, Ill sign for it.

Whats the matter with your face?

The mail carrier asked.

I was eating a jelly sandwich.

The guy replied.

Yeah? Well, you got some peanut butter on your nose.

There was a guy he was at a baseball game….

this man had terrible lepercy and his back was filled with pus and blood and all that…



well the guy beside him kept throwing up…



so the man with the disease said i am sorry i know its me i will go



the man looked at him and said no its not you, you can stay



the man with the disease said ok so he sat back down



later the man threw up again and the man with lepercy said i will go i am sorry



the other manh said no its not you just stay its ok so the man stayed



then like 10 min. the man threw up again and the man with the disease said ok enough i am gonna go now. the other man said no dont go its not you just let me explain…the guy behind my keeps dipping his chips in you back…

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

No mans life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes,
usually vacations and such, called Mate Match. The DJs ring someone at
work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.

If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work
phone number.

If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This
particular day (December 9th, 1998) it got interesting.

The Show

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does this mean your are married? Or what? Brian?

Brian:(laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wifes name? First only please,
Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here, man.

Brian: About 8 Oclock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number two: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if it there werent a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.

DJ: This sounds good, Brian, where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks, and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times
I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get
his wifes work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Lets call Sara shall we? (touch tones,
ringing)

Clerk: Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of
Mate Match?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you three questions, and if you
answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando,
Florida, at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea
World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? Sara! Get
it? Orlando Magic, they are on strike, Sara, helloooooo anyone home?!

Sara: (laughing hard) Yes, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian… this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.

(sound effect) Ding ding ding

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hhmmmmm.

Background voice in studio: Thats close enough. I am sure she is trying
not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: Oh my god, Brian! You did not tell them, did you?!

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, its just just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

DJ: She saw?!

Sara: Brian?!

Brian: No, no I didnt say that.

DJ: Ease up there, sister. Just messin with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord… I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on, honey, its for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Lets go Sara, we aint got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: (long pause) In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(Advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these
things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
Florida.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!

Algunos ejemplos de emoticons o smileys utilizados para representar a los culos.

O:O Una mujer mostrándose de culo.

O!O Una hombre mostrándose de culo.

(_!_) Un culo normal.

(_._) Un culo plano.

(__!__) Un culo gordo.

(__.__) Un culo gordo y plano.

(!) Un culo apretado.

(_*_) Un culo con hemorroides.

{_!_} Un culo marchito.

(_o_) Un culo muy recorrido.

(_O_) Un culo con mayor kilometraje.

(_zzz_) Un culo cansado.

(_x_) Un culo fruncido.

(_X_) Un culo clausurado.

(_$_) Un culo caro.

(_E=mc²_) Un culo inteligente.

[_T_] Un culo cuadrado.

(_@_) Un ciber culo.

(_?_) Un culo misterioso.

(_#_) Un culo lastimado.

(__) Un culo cerrado.

(_%_) Un culo con forúnculos.

_m_oo_m_ Un tipo espiando estos culos por encima de la pared.

Modern-time maxims for the Internet age

Home is where you hang your @



Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he wont bother you for weeks.



The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.



A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.



You cant teach a new mouse old clicks.



Great groups from little icons grow.



Speak softly and carry a cell phone.



C: is the root of all directories.



Dont put all your hypes in one homepage.



Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.



The modem is the message



Too many clicks spoil the browse.



The geek shall inherit the earth.



A chat has nine lives.



Dont byte off more than you can view.



Fax is stranger than fiction.



What boots up must come down.



Virtual reality is its own reward.



Modulation in all things.



A user and his leisure time are soon parted.



Theres no place like http://www.home.com



Know what to expect before you connect.



Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.



Speed thrills.