Old and New Jokes

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is really deadly at Scrabble. Using each letter only once, and having no letters left over:

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z S

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

A man is driving down a road, when a rabbit jumps out in front of his car. He does everything he can to avoid it, but he ends up hitting it. He is an animal lover, so he pulls over and stops to go see what has become of the poor rabbit. Needless to say, he finds a very dead rabbit. He feels bad and so he sits down on the curb and begins to cry. A few minutes later a blonde drives past, sees him crying, and stops. When he tells her what happened, she says that she has just the thing and goes back to her car. She comes back with a spray can. She goes over to the rabbit and sprays the contents of the can onto it. The rabbit jumps up, waves, and jumps across the road, where it stops, turns and waves, and then jumps 10 feet, where it turns and waves again. The rabbit continues in this manner until it has gone out of sight. The man is in shock and turns to the blonde and asks What on earth is in that can?
She replys:Hair spray: Brings life to dead hair, adds permenant wave.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.



Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church.



Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked.



Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, I pissed in its ear.

The teacher said, You what?

He said, You know, I went to his ear and said, PSST! and it didnt move. So it must be dead.

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.

Mike McGovern, a writer, objected to having a destructive hurricane named after his sweet niece, Emily. So in yesterdays NY Times, he submitted the following list of more appropriate hurricane names and how these storms might behave:

Hurricane ClintonMoves right, then left again
Hurricane GergenSpins uncontrollably
Hurricane PowellHeads directly for the White House
Hurricane NunnTravels only in a straight line
Hurricane BushCompletely misses Middle America
Hurricane PerotSmall but annoying
Hurricane DoleEliminates roads, bridges and schools; spares only Kansas
Hurricane MadonnaLeaves clothes strewn everywhere
Hurricane OprahGets smaller, then bigger again
Hurricane LettermanAppears an hour earlier than expected
Hurricane ChevyFades almost immediately
Hurricane WallaceHard-hitting but lasts only 60 minutes
Hurricane HeidiBlows the lid off Hollywood studios
Hurricane JordanStops abruptly at its peak
Hurricane DykstraDevastates Atlanta and Toronto
Hurricane ForemanDevours everything in sight
Hurricane SteinbrennerThreatens to move towards New Jersey
Hurricane TrumpUproots giant maples
Hurricane MilkenLeaves a trail of junk
Hurricane ButtafuocoHits Long Island high schools
Hurricane TailhookLeaves nothing untouched

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.

One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.



After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last days event: Jesus and Mohammed.



The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.



The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.



Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.



After a moment it came back on – just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.



The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that hed lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.



After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.



When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:



Jesus saves.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of I love you only Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Dont kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

Why didnt Monica Lewinsky become a doctor?

Because she sucked as an intern.